Eye of the Tiger

Tiger Woods is not normal. He may not even be human. I just can't picture him performing mundane daily tasks and interacting with people like the dry cleaner.

Watching him play is enough to make one cringe. The guy is uncomfortable to watch, but you still root for him. You route for him because he does not lose with grace. He always seems to be disappointed (even when he is playing well and does win). I don't think Tiger will ever be satisfied because there is no such thing as perfection and no one, but no one has ever or will ever truly master the game of golf. It can't be done.

Someone once asked Arnold Palmer if he ever though he had mastered the game. His response was, "Once, for about nine holes." It's not enough for Tiger to be the number one golfer in the world. He also has to beat his own personal bests.

Most PGA golfers relax after a long tournament. Tiger goes back to the practice tee to work on his mid-irons if he felt they were lacking that day. (I bet he even practices the night after a win.) I just can't picture him kicking back in the clubhouse with the guys drinking a few Sam Adams.

Why do we all root for Tiger? Is it because he's ethnic? I think that novelty wore off about 10 years ago. He doesn't seem to be a particularly pleasant or humorous individual. Not that he seems like an asshole - he just does not seem very likable. Other modern golfers such as Phil Mickelson think they are likable while others just go with the fact that they are assholes, like Vijay Singh and Jim Furyk. Tiger fits neither of these categories. He's way too politically correct to outwardly be a prick. (Although you can see him mouth the word "fuck" from time to time.) Nike and Buick have forced him to smile, but it's pretty safe to say that Tiger wouldn't crack a smile on the golf course after a 50-foot eagle putt on the final day of the Masters to take the lead.

The best players in the world that precede Tiger had a similar way about them, except for Arnold Palmer. Bobby Jones, Ben Hogan and Jack Nicklaus were all selfish perfectionists who viewed this game as the single most important thing in the world. They did not get along with the other guys on the tour either. (Tiger pretends to be buddies with them, but I can't envision him and Stuart Appleby going bowling on Tuesday nights together.)

I just feel bad for his child. I think it's a girl. I am sure the child, who is only a few months old, is already a huge disappointment. She has not advanced in the way he would like her to at this point. I envision bad things for this child - a life of constant pressure from her father to succeed. I'm sure it would be alright with him if she isn't interested in golf, but she goddamn better be interested in something and she better be the best in the world at whatever that may be. If she wants to play the clarinet, she better be the best clarinet player to ever live. This child be be on a lot of medication before she hits puberty.

The other thing about Tiger is that the guy is squeaky clean. When are we going to hear about the time he snorted coke out of a stripper's twat or got drunk and crashed his Buick LeSabre into a kindergarten classroom? Most other supposed role model superstars have had some scandal in the past.* Michael Jordan with his gambling, Bill Cosby with his illegitimate children, Jerry Seinfeld dating a 17-year old, Martha Stewart with her little problem. And figures throughout American history starting with George Washington chopping down the cherry tree and Thomas Jefferson boinking his slaves. What about Tiger? When are we gonna hear anything bad about the guy?

I don't think we will ever hear about such things about him because he's too busy being perfect. It's just not normal. But I hope he continues to win and break Nicklaus' record of 18 Major wins. It's too uncomfortable to watch otherwise.


*Except for Will Smith.