My Bed & Breakfast

Life is about compromise, especially when you're in your twenties like I am. A major compromise that non-Wall Streeters and non-trustfunders have to deal with is sharing living quarters.

I am pretty lucky to have a 1400 square foot duplex with two full baths and two roommates that are barely around but...

I've had it with my one roommate's hippie guests. For about a week last month, she had a group of about six or seven of them inhabiting my usually immaculate living room. These people (who are in some band) were really not house-trained. They were used to living in a van and didn't know that it's just not acceptable to leave food on the counter and toothbrushes on the coffee table. They were very pleasant and respectful, but maybe they could have asked if they could use my computer before taking it over for a three days straight. And perhaps they could have locked the door behind them (or even closed it for that matter - a stray cat made his way into the apartment*). I know they weren't used to the opulent luxuries my apartment had to offer such as running water and lamps and unlimited pens, so I cut them some slack for the first few days.

But I'm sure even Forrest Gump knew enough to HANG UP HIS WET FUCKING TOWELS in the bathroom. They will never dry in a pile on the floor. And if you're gonna smoke pot in my home: a.) ask permission (it's my name on the lease) and b.) offer me some.

I realize that I, with my five figure salary and my health insurance and fancy indoor plumbing, probably have more money than they do, but they could have at least offered to replace the Gerolsteiner mineral water they consumed after smoking too much of the aforementioned illegal herbs. (It's $1.69 a bottle and they're in limited supply at Fairway).

I was sure that they would clean up after themselves at least, but they did not do so to my satisfaction so I spent an entire beautiful Saturday afternoon scrubbing and sanitizing.

Fast forward a few weeks and two more people arrived to stay over at my humble abode, this time for only a night. But see, they opened up the pullout sofa THE VERY DAY AFTER I JUST PUT A NEW SLIPCOVER ON IT! I am not very handy. It took me a long time to put that fucking slipcover on the sofa and in one fell swoop, they removed it and placed it on the floor! The next morning I was kind of queasy when I saw what they had done, but I dealt with it like a man and quietly put it back on.

As I type, a young man is sitting in my green recliner about 15 feet away from me. Like the other guests, he is hippie/hipster-ish and polite. But this guy is a little invasive. He has felt the need to make small talk each and every time I have passed by. When I asked him how long he was here for, his response was, "Till around the 30th or so." Oy vey.

Here is a list of rules for guests staying in my home.

• You must be accompanied by the person with whom invited you at all times.
• You may not utilize the kitchen for cooking purposes if you do not LEAVE IT EXACTLY THE WAY YOU FOUND IT when you are finished.
• If you plan on bathing, make sure the shower curtain rod doesn't fall. If it does, try to put it back.
• Please pick up towels off the floor and hang them up.
• Clothing belongs in your suitcase (or trash bag), not on the floor.
• No food or beverage (perishable or non-perishable) is to be left on the kitchen counter for more than a few minutes.
• Smoking is permitted on one of the three outdoor terraces the apartment offers. Please use an ashtray.
• Lights are to be turned off when not in use.
• I paid for the toilet paper with my own money. It may not be recycled earth-friendly paper. Get over it. And for the love of God, put it on the with the flap in the front!
• Please ask permission to use my computer.
• If it is a week night, please keep the television down and the conversation to a minimum.
• If it is a weekend, please keep the television down and the conversation to a minimum.
• Please keep toiletries out of sight and off the coffee table or any surface I may touch.
• Don't touch my shit.
• Don't eat my food or drink my Gerolsteiner.
• Don't be invasive.
• Don't ask personal questions.
• Don't sleep with the pillows on the sofa. It's not sanitary.
• Do not speak unless spoken to.
• Don't look at me like I'm Hitler if I eat meat or use mass-produced shampoo.
• Those who maketh garbage should taketh garbarge out.
• DON'T TAMPER WITH THE GODDAMN SLIPCOVER!

I really don't think these are unreasonable demands.

*This is how people get rabies.