Less is more when responding to Craigslist apartment ads.

Based on the bizarre nature of the Craigslist ad I put up regarding an available room in my Red Hook, Brooklyn apartment, I have gotten a few unusual responses. I had a little open house on Sunday to show the space. Out of the five people that showed up, two seemed quite interested.

One gentleman really wants the room. Although he is very nice and somewhat interesting, his initial email was a bit too much to take. Here are a few excerpts (in italics) that I found to be potential red flags. My responses are below in parenthetical phrases.

Summer of ‘06 I was working on an off-grid chocolate farm in the Corcovado rainforest of Costa Rica. This was before I interned for a local-scale biodiesel plant in Asheville, NC

(Oh really?)

25 year-old male of mixed Caucasian heritage

(Could you break that down for me into percentages? Like 25% German, 25% Lithuanian...I'm sure you have some Native American in you too, right?)

I grew up in a geodesic dome on the side of a mountain in rural North Carolina. My parents are still in love with one another and along with my sister and her husband we form a fairly functional post-nuclear family that seems all-the-more rare these days.

(How is this relevant? I am glad though that everything is so honky dory down there with the family. They sound like delightful people; give them my best the next time you talk to them.)

I have curly hair and my eyes tend to change color.

(I don't give a flying fuck what your hair looks like - tell me what your credit score is. That's all I care about at this point. But maybe I could spend my idle hours gazing at your ever-changing eyes.)

I get along well with both multi-billion dollar asset managers and gutter-punk anarchist freegan kids.

(You seem very well adjusted, but what in God's name is a "freegan?")

I am not profoundly religious or politically-affiliated, but I am thankful for the many culinary, artistic and cultural provisions that spiritual and ideological devotion have given us as a united people since time immemorial.

(Dude, I'm looking for someone to rent a 10x12 space in my apartment for a few months, not a life-partner.)

This last weekend I went upstate to a sweat lodge and took unexpected trapeze lessons in New Paltz, NY to get some fresh air.

(Well, who DIDN'T do that last weekend?)

I periodically fast and cleanse only to turn around sooner or later and cater to my vices and guilty pleasures. It's a fun little dance I do.

(I don't want to share a bathroom with someone who fasts and cleanses, no matter how much fun the little dance may be.)

Music is good.

(It is indeed.)

I once had a MySpace profile, but I am in the process of dissolving my ties to online social networking sites in an effort to reconnect with real communities, rather than experimental, existential ones.

(Okay.)

I was once the captain of my high school wrestling team, could party my friends under the table and was one step away from attending the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis. Now I practice yoga, as well as moderation in most things...

(Objection! Relevance?)

Okay, I feel like I’ve written a lot and I don't want to come off as being self-indulgent or lose your attention, so I’m going to stop.*

(No, please don't stop! You haven't told me about yourself yet!)


*He proceeds to write five more detailed paragraphs following this sentence.