The Gentrifier of Oz

I've been watching reruns of the HBO original series Oz and I must say that I think I would adapt well to prison life (maximum security). Everything about it seems okay besides the sodomy and lack of decent meals.

Obviously I would be upset about not seeing my parents and my girlfriend and everyone else, but I think I could get into it. I would definitely join one of the cliques such as the black Muslims (I like the hats) or the Aryan Brotherhood. Or perhaps I could start my own - the Gentrifiers. There seems to be a lot of pride in these gangs, a lot of camaraderie.

Most of all, I would have a wide audience in which to share my humor. I could be the prison jester. I would dazzle the inmates and guards with witticism after witticism and they would love me. Everyone would want to be my cellmate and everyone would want me in their clique. I would bring everyone together with my pleasant disposition and my versatile sense of humor. I could make jokes about "the hole" and tell stories and discuss all my views and opinions. No one can leave - they would have to listen. After the first few beatings, I would start to grow on people (much like I do in the outside world) and I would be one of the most loved and respected inmates to ever grace the hallowed halls of a federal penitentiary.

Plus I would have a lot of time to catch up on my reading and work on my blog. (I wonder if they have wireless.) And I could finally establish what religion I actually want to participate. As mentioned before, Islamic fundamentalism is a strong possibility, but I would consider others.

I could teach my fellow inmates things they never learned on the street such as how to enunciate, while they teach me how to protect myself and how to make weapons out of ordinarily harmless materials. It would be a positive situation for all involved. The bonds formed in prison must be stronger than any bonds one can form on the golf course or at the wine bar. These would be friendships I would cherish for life. And the stories? Oh there'd be stories to tell forever. I would never run out of things to talk about at parties or on line at the DMV. I could start sentences with, "When I was in the joint..." or "Yeah I spent some time inside." I'd be the coolest guy anyone ever met (and probably the most pleasant ex con around)!

Unfortunately, as a non-violent, non-drug abusing/dealing individual, I will most likely never see the inside of a maximum security prison. I got a small taste of the criminal life when I spent my Memorial Day at Brooklyn Central Booking, but I was not there long enough to really get anything from the experience. But even in that short period of time, I could sense that people were starting to enjoy me by the end of the day. A long term sentence could only make me more likable. (I bet they would deny me parole just because they were so charmed by me.)

If parking tickets and generally being an asshole were more serious crimes, I would definitely have a realistic shot at my dreams of long-term incarceration.