Travels with Father

Over the weekend, while staying at my mother's house, I came across a little burgundy pocket notepad in my old bedroom. I immediately remembered what was written in there. It's a list of irritating quotes from my father from two separate vacations we took together back while I was in high school. The first trip we went to Italy (I was 17) and the second a year later to a golf school near Orlando, Florida.

First the Italy quotes:

• "PJ, don't touch that."
• "PJ, are you alright?"
• "You don't need more film. I have film; you can just use my damn camera."
• "PJ, don't buy that."
• "PJ just put the goddamn things on the table and come back - I can't carry all this shit and you're gonna drop it."
• "PJ, you gotta start learning how to do things."
• "Don't buy things from there. What are you gonna do with that?"
• "PJ, you better get to the gym this week, right when you get home!"
• "And don't get into the habit of drinking wine every night."
• "PJ, would you have been able to figure out how to get here by yourself?"
• "PJ, you gotta push the thing back when you flush the goddamn toilet!"
• "I bet you've never seen a bidet before - pretty neat, heh?"
• "You don't need to bother with postcards - it's too much of a hassle, ya know with stamps and mailing it."
• "PJ, you better get your things neat - you're making a mess."
• "What are you gonna do with 40 bucks worth of lira? You better take that to the bank and have it changed."
• "PJ, you gotta be more careful when crossing the street."
• "Don't wear dungarees, we're going to the Vatican."
• "PJ, I already told you - you are NOT BUYING ANOTHER CAMERA! It's 25 bucks, 25 lira and I have 40 pictures left on mine!"
• "And did your mother give you any spending money?"
• "You mean to tell me you don't have any small lira?!"
• "PJ, take this 10 dollar bill to the bank and change it into lira. I don't know why you need to buy anything, but okay."
• "PJ, here's your passport. You show them your passport and then GIVE IT BACK TO ME."
• "PJ, why don't you wear jacket; it might get a little chilly later."
• "PJ, don't leave the key in the room. PJ, did you hear me? DON'T LEAVE THE KEY IN THE ROOM!"
• "PJ, face the other way, you're snoring."
• "PJ, be down by 7:15 - I'll be down there. Do you need me to come up and get you or will you be okay? 7:15, okay?"
• "What does your mother do all day?"
• "You better get some hitting in this week. You can't go two weeks without it, you understand? Two weeks is a long time."
• "PJ, you better get the oil changed on that car. Have your mother set up an appointment - she knows what to do."
• "PJ, ya know you don't have to stay up till 11 or 12 tonight - get a good night's sleep."
• "PJ, do you want me to take your passport now? Where are you gonna put it? Do you have a bag or something? Don't lose it."
• "Don't sleep all day tomorrow when you get home - get up and go to the gym or something. I don't want you sleeping the whole day."
• "PJ, I hope your mother knows she's paying for this call. It's expensive ya know. I hope she knows she paying. Don't talk to long, you understand?"
• "And what do you plan on doing with that scarf thing you bought?"
• "PJ, you can bargain with these people ya know."
• "Don't get Heineken here; it'll cost 18,000 lira!"
• "PJ, where the hell have been? What time did you plan on getting to the gate? You had me a little worried. What the hell were you doing? Did you have some trouble? I should have told you to get here a half hour before we board, not 10 minutes! Jesus Christ."
• "PJ, what do you mean the seat goes back without you pushing the button? Let me see what you mean - PJ, you're leaning on it!"
• "Don't go to the bathroom now. This is not a good time to go. Wait, just wait."
• "You can rest but DON'T FALL ASLEEP, you understand?
• "PJ, don't get a beer NOW! I don't necessarily feel like paying for a beer right now."

Fast forward a year later to our father-son golf school trip.

• "Stay here and watch these bags. I'll be back - watch them, okay?"
• "PJ, you're gaining weight. Can you feel that? You better watch that."
• "I've never seen so many hotels and restaurants in my life!"*
• "I don't mind you smoking, as long as it doesn't become a habit."
• "PJ, take a break! You're hitting too many. Sit down, walk around - you're gonna wear yourself out."
• "What's the problem here? Did you try to put the key in the other way? Jesus Christ!"
• "This navigation system is amazing! How do they do that? How do they know where you are? This is NEAT!"**
• "I'd really like to have a beer, but I DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. That's my policy ya know."***
• "I don't drink light beers, only Amstel occasionally. In fact, I don't drink cheap domestic beers like Coors Light. Ahh, it's terrible!"
• "What do you need to get gifts for?"
• "You really have to learn how to putt."
• "PJ, are you up? You're not up!"
• "PJ, are you okay?"
• "If you didn't hit so many balls, you wouldn't need bandaids."
• "Do you think you could drive down here? I don't think so."
• "PJ, do you have everything?"
• "PJ, you can't be leaving clubs on the green."
• "So this Chase person isn't going to school next year?"****
• "And does that Leo character still bother you?"
• "Maybe in the spring you can have a couple beers - a COUPLE!"
• "If I had a cigarette right now, I would get dizzy. I remember one time in college a few of us were screwing around with that tobacco stuff that you put in your cheek...I was on the ground."
• "This Sopranos is some funny stuff!"
• "This is a real redneck place down here - lots of rednecks."
• "How could a guy walk into a restaurant dressed like that? I don't understand these people."
• "You don't have to swing so hard. Just SLOW DOWN!"
• "What did you learn from this week? I spent a few bucks, so I hope you learned something."
• "I want you practicing EVERYDAY when you get home. If it's a little cold, practice putting in the house. But you need carpet to do that, okay? Ya can't do it on the wood."
• "PJ, make sure the shower curtain is on the INSIDE. I found goddamn puddles all over the bathroom. What the hell are you thinking about in there?"
• "I like this Epcot; it's really neat! I like it because it's so well organized. I don't know how they do that."
• "Maybe I'll get a little place in Florida next year, but on the west coast, not Boca...too many Jews."
• "Are you taking your pills?"*****
• "You just called 911! You're supposed to dial 91 plus the area code. Now the police are coming to the room! Leave the fucking door open. Next time, use the cell phone - I don't need this aggravation!"
• "I haven't seen one European car yet - that's because there are a lot of rednecks. Once you leave the New York metropolitan area, you don't see too many decent cars."
• "PJ, stay right here. Don't move!"
• "I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE THE CLUBS UNATTENDED! JESUS CHRIST!"
• "There's gotta be some upscale restaurants somewhere around here."
• "Put your shit in the drawers. Let's get a little organized here."
• "Aren't you gonna get hot with pants on today? Don't you want to put on shorts?"
• "Get up a little early tomorrow. Pack your stuff in the morning. You're gonna be tired at night, you understand?"
• "You should be watching your video before AND after you practice."
• "Get this station off - I can't concentrate."
• "And it wouldn't kill you to learn a little about the catering industry this summer."
• "Well, I'm not retired yet, but I'm winding down. We'll see. I have a few ideas."
• "What is this Medieval Times business? I don't get it."
• "Norway sounds like an interesting country - dominated by the fishing industry. They must eat a lot of fish there."
• "O'Doul's is terrible. I can't drink that shit and neither should you."
• "That monorail must go from one Disney park to the other, right?"
• "This is different from Italy."
• "We wouldn't have gotten lost if you had a better sense of direction, PJ. That's something you have to work on."
• "Where is Morocco? It's in Africa, but it's sophisticated, right?"
• "I don't see how that would help you, but okay."
• "What is Friends? Like a TV show or something?"
• "Those race fans must be upset because that Dale Earnhardt guy died. That would be like if Tiger Woods got hit by a golf ball and died...we'd be pretty upset too."
• "This guy was a state senator! Pretty NEAT, heh?! We're playing golf with a senator!"
• "This guy seems pretty low key for a politician. I like him even though he's a Democrat."
• "If I sucked that bad, I would take up a new hobby."
• "Laptops are pretty neat, heh? I can go online even in Florida!"
• "A lot of things changed while I was in college. When I was a freshman, you'd get expelled for having a beer in the room, but later my buddies started smoking pot and I was like appalled, but I joined in after a while."
• "Maybe when you get out of college, you could live in my place and I'll go somewhere else. We'll get new cabinets and change the floor. You'd keep the place neat, right?"
• "I like this tape. Who is it? Van Morrison - he's black, right?"
• "PJ, I don't necessarily want you beating me when we play, okay? I didn't intend for this when i planned this trip."
• "How are your hands? Give them a day to heal."
• "You don't need sunscreen."
• "What's better, SPF 15 or 30?"
• "PJ, that's too much club. Hit the 7."
• "PJ, you don't have to hit the driver every time. Use the 3-wood. I spent $300 on that thing."
• "I think you ought to iron those pants - they've been in the suitcase all day. I brought an iron with me."
• "You're mother isn't gonna be able to drive to any of these schools you're looking at ya know."
• "How are you getting along with Mr. Stewart? Does he ever say anything to you about quitting baseball?"
• "I don't care what you're doing - I want you to practice!"
• "PJ, did you happen to comb your hair?"
• "And Rich Salamone allows this drinking every weekend? I'm surprised."
• "That Joel - he was born with a bottle in his hand."
• "And what does your sister plan on doing next year?"
• "I don't know why these teachers are making such a big deal out of this contract shit. Teachers make a lot of money for doing very little - and they get a HEFTY PENSION!"
• "Next year, we'll take a big trip to Italy - a trip like that requires planning ya know. You can't just hop on a plane."
• "Pittsburgh is a NEAT city."
• "Put that tray up! You can't have that down now, ya understand?"
• "PJ, are you writing down everything I say?"

Wow, just typing that all out exhausted me and made me relive those two weeks with him. This is why I don't travel with him anymore. I love my father, but looking back at this in retrospect has left me with some mixed feelings. I did laugh aloud in some parts, but others left me feeling a little angry. His voice is now embedded into my brain and I will have nightmares. I sacrifice a lot for the sake of this blog.

*This was said at least 14 times during the trip.

**Said about 20 times. (Bear in mind, this was 1999.)

***This is following a recent DUI - his 2nd in a few years.

****Referring to a hipster friend of mine.

*****Asked 8 times a day.