Oh Cum All Ye Faithful

It's pretty safe for me to say at this point that I have set different goals for myself than say, Thomas Edison or Warren Buffett.

My dream is to open up a strip club somewhere along the New Jersey Turnpike corridor (perhaps Linden, Carteret, Colonia or Iselin) that is a normal strip club in every sense except for one key aspect: the only music the DJ will spin is Christmas music. And none of that secular, new-aged, honky tonk Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. No, the only music that will be played will be traditional, religious Christmas music, played in a traditional way. No bass and no remixing. Strictly the type of music played at midnight mass on Christmas Eve. Here is a sample playlist that the mainly black and Puerto Rican go-go dancers will grind to on any given night.

Silent Night (right after last call)
Good King Wenceslas
Oh Come All Ye Faithful (sung in Latin to avoid any sexual innuendos from the word "come")
The First Noel
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
Oh Holy Night
Away in a Manger (Perfect for a lap dance)
Little Drummer Boy (to lighten the mood)
What Child is This
We Three Kings of Orient Are
I Saw Three Ships
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing (for a particularly freaky dance)
Oh Tanenbaum

Besides the music, there will be no other references to this eponymous holiday throughout the club. The name, decor and outfits will be fitting of a traditional strip joint located on or right off of Routes 1 and 9 in Lower Union/Upper Middlesex (no pun intended) County. The dancing style would be in such a way that it would be more appropriate to that Cyclone song or a jingle by 50 cent than to Joy to the World.

How could this idea not be worth a million dollars?

A New Status Symbol

When you slide a crisp 10 dollar bill across the counter in your corner New York City bodega for a pack of "premium" smokes, don't expect any change. That's the price that the small stores in Gotham are charging.

My question: With cigarette prices skyrocketing (along with everything else for that matter), will cigarettes become a luxury item? Cigarettes have always been something that transcended class and socioeconomic status. Smokers are represented in just about every demographic from the homeless to the aristocracy and everywhere in between. And while the habit becomes less and less socially acceptable and fashionable all the time, people are still going to do it because, well, it's like the most fun legal thing to do in the United States besides taunting hipsters and people who listen to Prairie Home Companion.

Maybe these prices will make smoking cool again. People will look at us in the same light as people who drive Mercedes Benzes. "Ooh, that guy has good taste and must be successful because he has a Marlboro Light dangling from his cancer-ridden mouth."

Another good thing about the astronomical cigarette prices is that I now have a very good excuse as to why I don't want to bum out cigarettes. On Monday, the first day of the increase, I was walking towards my office on Hudson Street, gleefully smoking my 50 cent cigarette when a guy heading due east on Spring Street in semi yelled out his window and asked for a cigarette. I yelled back, "Sorry, they're 10 bucks a pack now!" He understood and there were no hard feelings.

Like the price of petrol, I am not going to let the price of cigarettes bother me. I will only quit because of health reasons in due time. Even though I am more prone to cancer now. I still think smoking is cool and now it's even cooler that it costs $10 per pack.

Prestigious Addresses

For a variety of different reasons, I am not happy with my current address. I like the apartment and the neighborhood for the most part, but the actual address leaves much to be desired. Below is a list of addresses (in no particular order) that I would be happy to write on my deposit slip at the bank. They just look and sound particularly prestigious and cool to me. The actual number of the street and apartment number is made up as I see fit to that particular address, but the zip codes are generally accurate.

25 Prospect Park West
Brooklyn, NY 11215

1 Pierrepont St. Apt. 7F
Brooklyn, NY 11201

29 Columbia Heights
Brooklyn, NY 11201

248 Washington Park
Brooklyn, NY 11205

15 Central Park West Apt. 22G
New York, NY 10023

380 Riverside Dr. Penthouse
New York, NY 10025

972 Harlem River Dr. Penthouse
New York, NY 10039

780 Park Ave. Apt. 35A
New York, NY 10021

98 Bonnie Briar Rd.
Larchmont, NY 10538

1179 E. Gun Hill Rd.
Bronx, NY 10469*

92 Fenimore Rd.
Scarsdale, NY 10583

2622 Hutchinson River Parkway North
Pelham Manor, NY 10803

140 Rockinghorse Trail
Rye Brook, NY 10573

291 Saw Mill Parkway South
Chappaqua, NY 10514

7 Havermeyer Lane
Greenwich, CT 06830

42 Old Short Hills Rd.
Millburn, NJ 07041

6 Baltusrol Rd.
Summit, NJ 07901

3 Parsonage Hill Rd.
Short Hills, NJ 07078

20 Glen Alpin Rd.
Harding, NJ 07976

1468 Lamington Rd.
Far Hills, NJ 07931



*I wouldn't actually want to live there, but that is one kick-ass address.