Forgive me Mayor for I have sinned.

Every parking ticket I receive takes a little bit more out of me. It makes me just a little more bitter, a little more jaded and a worse person than I already am in general. It's not just the money that bothers me, it's the whole thing. From the moment I walk up to my vehicle and see the garish orange and white notice tucked in my windshield wiper to the time I actually get around to paying it (I usually wait until I accumulate three or four before I pay.), it just reminds me of how much of a failure I am.

For about two weeks after I receive a ticket, I feel a sense of doom. I wish that the NYPD parking officials knew how they made me feel and would take pity on me once in a while. Some of the tickets I absolutely deserve, but others I'm not so sure about. Here is a letter I wrote to contest a bullshit ticket.

To Whom It May Concern:

I wish to plead not guilty for this parking violation issued on July 15, 2007, 2:15 p.m. Eastern time for my vehicle, a Graphite Blue 2006 Volkswagen Passat 2.0T in the amount of $115 at 375 Hudson St., New York, NY 10013.

The summons states “no standing all days/all times,” however there was a parking meter at the space I parked at which I had submitted the appropriate amount of United States currency in the form of quarters into.

There was no sign in sight suggesting that it would be illegal to park at this space. This ticket was clearly issued in error.

I have not included payment because I feel as though the ticket was not just.

Thank you in advance for investigating this matter.

Sincerely,

(my name)

As you can guess, I was found guilty on this matter. It just doesn't make sense to me that in the United States of America, the greatest country in the world, the land of the free, that I can get a parking ticket when I put the appropriate amount of money into the meter in which was closest to my car. Somehow, they decided that they do not like me or my Passat and that a ticket would need to written to make me feel badly.

Most of all, I feel like I am letting Mayor Bloomberg down with every infraction. I desperately seek his approval for some reason and I don't want him to think that I go around blatantly disobeying the rules in his city. I do think that if we were to meet, he would be utterly charmed by me and possibly invite me to lunch to talk about the new 2nd Avenue Subway line or the proposed commuter tax or something.

In the meantime, I am going to make a collage of all the parking tickets and other such summonses to hang up on my wall of failure along with my failed math tests from high school.