Give us this day our daily Venti Mocha Frapuccino.

Religious freaks are everywhere. There are people walking around with pamphlets, handing out books, setting up tables on Court Street, knocking on your door and generally being invasive. In fact, every time I exit the Brooklyn Bridge (which is often), I am greeted by the same individual standing in the middle of two lanes on Adams Street/Boerum Place. He sports a snazzy bow tie and carries some papers and what appears to be some pies. So I suppose that if you listen to his spiel and sign up to be a Muslim, you get a free pie. That would have to be some pretty tasty pie. I suppose this guy is trying to create positive associations with the Islamic religion. Pie = good, Muslim = pie, Muslim = good. That's some pretty crafty marketing strategy on his part. Is the pie worth it? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no on this one.

Why are people so obsessed with trying to get others to join their religion? With Christian Fundamentalists, I'm convinced that the reasoning is purely monetary. Benny Hinn* and Joel Osteen seem to be in this televangelist business because it is lucrative. These two men are charismatic and make great leaders. (They also have great hair which seems to be a prerequisite for successful televangelists.) Jerry Falwell was a dangerous extremist and so is Pat Robertson. And that lovable guy from Growing Pains is following in their footsteps. Falwell certainly had to have psychological problems. Anyone that could blame homosexuals for 9/11 has some loose screws and no sensible person can deny that.

And all this literal interpretation of the Bible is unhealthy and bad for America.

Here a just a few reasons as to why this whole thing is a crock of shit.

• Lack of accountability: Many televangelists exist outside of established churches. They have little or no oversight from denominational structures and many are accountable to no-one. In cases where their ministry is run by a board of directors, this is frequently made up of family members and other people who will not challenge the televangelist. Many are not members of the Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability, an independent organisation which promotes high financial standards amongst Christian ministries.
• Supernatural theology: Most televangelists hold Pentecostal viewpoints, believing in spiritual gifts, divine healing, and other miracles. These subjects remain controversial within Christian thinking. In some instances, claims of miracles have been shown to be fraudulent.
• Opulent lifestyles: Many televangelists have accumulated significant personal wealth from their ministries and own McMansions in treeless subdivisions, Lexuses and even private jets. There is also frequently confusion between personal and ministry assets. What happened to a vow of poverty?
• Financial emphasis: Televangelism requires substantial amounts of money to produce programs and purchase airtime on cable and satellite networks. Televangelists devote much time to fundraising activities. Products such as books, CDs, DVDs, and trinkets with supposedly miraculous powers, are aggressively promoted to viewers. Opponents regard such an emphasis as inappropriate and also question whether the money would be better used relieving poverty or employing traditional missionaries.
• Personality cult: Traditional Christian teaching emphasises the following of Jesus and not a particular preacher, however televangelism tends to build a personality cult around the televangelist.
• Health and wealth teaching: Many televangelists preach a prosperity gospel that promises material success to believers, subject to their generous donations to the “work of God”, which inevitably means the televangelist..
• False prophecies: Numerous televangelists have issued false prophecies, for example Benny Hinn's claim that Fidel Castro would die in the 1990s**, or Pat Robertson's claim that the War in Iraq would end in 2006. Many other televangelists have made false prophecies of the Second Coming that haven't seem to come true yet.
• False teaching: Televangelists frequently depart from or add to traditional Christian doctrines.
• Entertainment focus: The style of televangelism seems to mirror that of the secular entertainment industry, with emphasis on celebrity, slick production, and aggressive marketing.
• Exploitation: Followers of televangelists frequently are poor and uneducated, lacking the ability to critically analyze the message they are presented with, which frequently links a blessing from God to making sacrificial donations to the televangelist. This has led to claims of exploitation of the vulnerable.
• Crowd manipulation: Allegations have been made that many televangelists use psychological techniques, including mass hypnosis, to produce the desired response from people in what is a charged emotional atmosphere. I believe these allegations.
• Disputed success: Televangelists claim to be reaching millions of people worldwide with the gospel and producing numerous converts to Christianity. However, such claims are difficult to verify independently. It has also been questioned whether non-believers actually watch Christian television.***
• Mega churches: They take credit cards and have Starbucks on the premises. I think that just about says it all.

Televangelists often strongly dispute these criticisms and claim they are doing God's work. Sick fucks.

However, if money isn't the primary motivation, why do people care what your religion is? For example, I enjoy Blue Point Oysters on the half shell and believe that they are good. I do not force others to eat them and I do not go around with literature that states why they are good. I do not knock on people's doors or accost them in the street to tell them to eat these delicious morsels from the sea. I simply eat them when the mood strikes and move on. I do not care whether you like them or not. Perhaps you like West Coast oysters better. That's fine. They are good too, but I prefer Blue Points. Let's say you like your oysters fried instead of raw. I am fine with that. Let's say you don't like oysters or any shellfish or anything from the sea. Cool. I'm not going to force you to eat oysters or try oysters or even look at oysters. I could care less. Why can't religious freaks be the same way? I do not want to declare a war on those who would rather eat oysters Rockefeller than on the half shell. I do not hate thy neighbor for eating clams casino when oysters on the half shell can be had instead. If we all had the same attitude about religion, there would be world peace. It's as simple as that.

Amen.



*Not to be confused with the Japanese hibachi chain Benihana
**I think that's when he quit smoking cigars, so Hinn wasn't completely wrong.
***Ok, I've been known to watch a little bit of the 700 Club.