Who needs a townhouse out in Park Slope? Is that all you get for your money?

Every Sunday there are thousands of open houses. I would go to all of them if I could. I am the first to admit that I am a real estate junkie. I love going into the homes of strangers and pretending that I'm interested. I often will put a fake name and address on the sign-in sheet so the broker doesn't bother me again.

I used to sell this overpriced crap so I feel as though it's okay for me to waste the time of others because that's precisely what everyone did to me when I was a realtor. So I go in, dressed in my Sunday smart-casual househunting attire. I pretend I have more than two dimes to rub together (which is easily achieved by putting on a decent pair of slacks and a Polo shirt) and go through these apartments and houses asking questions like, "What's the square footage?" "Is the plumbing updated?" "How long has it been on the market?" All bullshit questions that could be answered by punching in the address on propertyshark.com.

Yesterday I found myself strolling around in Park Slope. I saw an open house sign and I was pulled into that direction by the real estate gods. I have no control. I must go. It doesn't matter what the place is and how much it costs. I must attend.*

So here I was on a decent block, not quite in prime Park Slope in a $1.9M townhouse that has recently been renovated. Sounds impressive, huh? For nearly two million big ones, you can get a 16 foot wide two bedroom one bath with a small rental on the garden floor.

Now there was nothing wrong with this house really. It was in move-in condition and the renovation was not objectionable. But the living room was so small, a sofa and a coffee table could not both exist comfortably and the kitchen had tiny appliances usually reserved for tiny rentals and European apartments. (The granite countertop did not make up for this.) A small deck is located off the kitchen.

Upstairs one will find two bedrooms - really one decent sized room that could maybe fit a queen bed and a dresser and one that could barely be a nursery or office. And one bathroom that is nothing special. I didn't bother looking at the closets.

The garden level rental had a bedroom so small, a full bed would fit and not much else. The finishes were nice though for a rental. The broker tried to tell me that this unit would fetch "$2,500 easy." I smell bullshit, but if that helps him get through the day, fine.

So let's say you put down 10% ($190K) and that taxes are $300 a month. This leaves you paying more than $11K (based on a 30 year fixed at 6.5%) a month for a two bedroom house a half block from industrial 4th Avenue with small appliances with no special features whatsoever.** Even if you get $2,000 a month for the rental, you're still at $9,000 for your mortgage payment and taxes, not to mention the headaches of homeownership and the utilities and dealing with an asshole yuppie tenant.

The numbers just don't add up. For that kind of money I want that "wow" factor, not just "Okay, I can live with this if I get smaller furniture and vow never to entertain more than two guests at a time."

Maybe next weekend I'll check out Bed-Stuy.



*My girlfriend used to love this.
**Everyone has granite countertops and hardwood floors these days.