Crooklyn

I love to hate Brooklyn. It's been my home for more than two years now but it feels like I've been here forever. At this point in my life, I cannot think of anywhere else I would rather live in the United States. And before you dismiss me as a newcomer who knows nothing about the neighborhoods and has only visited a few, I must tell you that I have explored the borough from Greenpoint to Gerritsen Beach and everywhere in between. Name an intersection in Brooklyn and I'll tell you what neighborhood it's in and what is there. With that said, I can't seem to find a neighborhood that I actually love. I've lived so far in Midwood, Gowanus, Clinton Hill and Red Hook.

Below is a list of all the major Brooklyn neighborhoods in alphabetical order and what is wrong with them. Note: I have left out places that no one has ever heard of such as Flatlands and Homecrest.

• Bay Ridge: A long R train ride away from anything remotely hip and full of guidos and Irish frat boys with roid rage who are two Jager bombs away from declaring a war against the Jews from nearby neighborhoods. Bay Ridge is the only neighborhood in Brooklyn that consistently votes Republican.
• Bedford-Stuyvesant: It's come a long way and it's rich in architecture but severely lacking in amenities such as restaurants, bars and grocery stores where that sell meat other than goat.
• Bensonhurst: Damn the elevated train is loud. And why does Gina gotta make Vinny hit her? She probably makes him do it.
• Boerum Hill: All of a sudden it's the neighborhood to be in. After all, Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams plunked down three mil for an arguably dull townhouse on Dean and there are nice tree-lined blocks of stately homes, but the Gowanus Houses and Wyckoff Gardens ain't going anywhere anytime soon and the Chinese takeout places on Hoyt still have bulletproof glass.
• Borough Park: Oy vey.
• Brighton Beach: Get in, get your caviar, get out.
• Brooklyn Heights: Absolutely lovely with stunning homes, quaint blocks and a waterfront promenade. But you still have the same mailing address as people who live in Canarsie. And your friends from the Upper East Side never want to visit.
• Brownsville: Depressing new Fedders buildings mixed in with more depressing projects and straight out urban blight. Urban renewal is not necessarily a good thing, folks.
• Bushwick: Referred to as East Williamsburg a little too much these days. It's a pretty ugly looking area nonetheless and the street gangs are still around. So don't be fooled by that edgy little art gallery and cutesy little coffee place off the Morgan L; This is still a combat zone.
• Carroll Gardens: Yuppies and old school Italians don't always mix. And with all the beautiful homes there, there are only two blocks that are landmarked. Smith Street is Mediocre Restaurant Row (with a few exceptions). And anything south of 4th Place is a shithole not worthy of the Carroll Gardens name and asking prices. Abd you're stuck with the F train.
• Clinton Hill: Some of the grandest architecture exists here, but the border keeps moving eastward into Bed-Stuy and there are still only a handful of restaurants. Pratt students are annoying too.
• Cobble Hill: $3,600 a month for a mediocre 1 bedroom + den 15 minutes away from the closest subway? It's lovely, but no thanks.
• Coney Island: A neat concept and a melting pot for freaks, ghetto people and hipsters alike, but the beach is still pretty nasty and the proposed rehabilitation is gonna turn this interesting place into another Disney Land. (At least that will eliminate most of the hipsters.)
• Crown Heights: It's a damn shame that with all this beautiful architecture that the neighborhood still doesn't feel safe and is still recovering from the riots in 1992.
• Ditmas Park (and the rest of Victorian Flatbush): Impeccably maintained Victorians on suburban-sized lots with big mature trees make this look like an idyllic setting, but amenities are few and far between and the main thoroughfares (Church and Cortelyou) are not exactly what one wants nearby after paying $1.8 million for a grand Victorian.
• DUMBO: $1,200 a square foot to live in what is one of the noisiest places on earth. Annoying yuppies have ruined the already annoying artist vibe. The yuppies just have more purchasing power.
• Dyker Heights: See Bensonhurst.
• East Flatbush: Not so pretty and the West Indian inhabitants can be downright hostile.
• East New York: Utterly devoid of any charm and dangerous as hell.
• Fort Greene: I love it, but it's a bit expensive for an area that was blighted not so many moons ago. And the ghetto contingent is very much alive and well in the north side of the 'hood.
• Gowanus: Why is this desolate, unattractive, industrial area near a putrid canal commanding such high prices?
• Gravesend: The Sephardic Jews may as well take their ostentatious houses and their fancy cars and secede from the Union. You and I are not welcome in their very nonsecular neighborhood. (That includes you too, Mr. Reform Jew.)
• Greenpoint: Two words: Aluminum siding.
• Greenwood Heights: Last time I checked, this was Sunset Park. And I think naming a neighborhood after a cemetery is a tad morose.
• Marine Park: People who live in Marine Park do not leave Marine Park.
• Midwood: Kind of far out there on the Q line, not very welcoming to the non-Russian speaking visitor.
• New Lots: See East New York.
• Ocean Hill: I'd rather have rickets than live here.
• Park Slope: The strollers are coming, the strollers are coming!
• Prospect Heights: Borders that are dangerously close to Crown Heights, expensive and still not all that gentrified. A good home for Hipster Lites.
• Prospect-Lefferts Gardens/Manor: Beautiful townhomes, lousy amenities and quite sketchy.
• Red Hook: Desolate, no subway, ugly architecture, loads of projects, that garbage smell in the summer... Also the hipsters are not very welcoming to those not pursuing one of the arts. If you have a lot of tattoos, complicated shoes, irritating hats and a cynical disposition, you may like it here. I have none of the above so I don't much care for this place. Damn pricey for what it is too.
• Sheepshead Bay: Tacky, gawdy, Russians rule the land and sea here. The new construction is almost as hideous as the shit they're building in Queens too.
• Sunset Park: Stuck in between Park Slope and Bay Ridge, this neighborhood doesn't know what it wants to be. It's gritty and industrial on one side, with lots of adult video stores and sort of okay on the other side of 3rd Avenue, but if you don't speak Spanish (5th Ave.) or Mandarin (8th Ave.), you're shit out of luck.
• Vinegar Hill: The Farragut Houses and an overall creepy vibe. Kinda cool though.
• Williamsburg: No explanation needed.
• Windsor Terrace: I really don't see the attraction.

Anyway, if you see a reasonably priced 1 bedroom + den in Carroll Gardens, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn Heights or Fort Greene, let me know.

I really need to get out of here so I'm off to Texas for a few days. See you next week.