Pimpin'

I would make a great pimp. I am really convinced of this. I would run it like any other business and the girls would love. They could come to me with their problems and I could offer solutions and/or support. I would not just be their boss, but also their friend. I would never beat on them or refer to them as "hos" or any other derogatory term. I would bring coffee. We would chat about local politics, restaurant openings and the weather. It would be a really pleasant environment because, well, I'm a really pleasant individual.

I would start them out at a 50/50 split with a possible draw against future tricks and if they get really good, 60/40, 70/30 and 80/20. They would come in the office to see me and chat and get ready for their day. I would be dressed in smart casual attire while I water the plants around the office. Their appointments will be all set up and logistics taken care of such as transportation, safety issues and prophylactic rubbers.

I would never demand money or sexual favors either, which I hear traditional pimps do. No, I will show my girls respect and they will respect me. We would be like a small family. Every working girl in the tri-state area will want to work for me, but I would keep it as a relatively small agency. I won't even charge any desk fees and I will pay for advertising in the back pages of the Village Voice. And there will always be plenty of Poland Spring on hand. I obviously wouldn't be in this for the money. It's all for the girls and their satisfied clients. If all pimps were like me, prostitution would be legalised* in the United States.


* I often use the European spellings of words, replacing "z" with "s" and adding a "u" to color (colour). This is so I can appear to be worldly and sophisticated.