Blogging for Columbine

Michael Moore is the most annoying person in America. He really and truly gets under people's skin. Now, I'm not saying that his movies aren't well done and entertaining. (Actually, they are quite engaging and insightful.) I'm also not saying that he doesn't make valid points. (He does.) It's just that he's fucking irritating as hell and he knows it.

I guess my main issue with him is his narration. He speaks to his audience in a condescending tone that is usually reserved for 2nd graders and mental patients. That's a great way to alienate your viewers. Listen, we know you're a pretty sharp guy; you have nothing to prove on that front. Speak to us like fucking adults. And while I'm on the subject, that Midwestern accent needs to go.*

Wherever this guy goes, he seems to piss people off. I like controversy just as much as the next guy, but the way he presents it just rubs people the wrong way. The thing about Michael Moore is that he is equally disliked among conservatives and liberals even though the left-wingers should love him almost as much as they love Jon Stewart. The reason comes back to the fact that he's ANNOYING. If I were George W., I would banish him from the United States. And I'm a liberal who likes his movies!

Here are some runners up for the prize of the Most Annoying Person in America.**

• Al Franken - I like a lot of what he has to say, but his arrogance prevents him from being likable.
• Jay Leno - This guy is the biggest phony to grace our television sets since Ed McMahon. He hasn't had an original thought in his head since the Carter administration.
• Tom Cruise - No explanation needed.
• Sheryl Crow - I kinda dig you but don't tell me how much toilet paper to use. Honey, you may drive a Prius and walk around uncomfortably wet in your nether regions all day, but how much energy does your 20,ooo square foot mansion burn a year? With that said, will you go out with me? Just once? Please???
• Harvey Firstein - Tone it down about eight notches.
• David Arquette - What's your IQ, about 65? How did you land the chick from Friends?
• Robert Wuhl - Assume the Position 201 was pretty funny and informative, but your voice is really obnoxious. I shit you not.
• Dr. Phil - That's a topic for another entry.
• Anderson Cooper - You are prissy and smug. And I'm always suspicious of people with two last names.
• John Mayer - I don't really know much about you or your personality or viewpoints; I just hate you.
• Justin Timberlake - That all-American boy shit isn't winning me over.
• The Donald - Yet another reason why no one respects the nouveau riche. I hear your penthouse doesn't even have professional grade appliances.
• Nancy Grace - Stop. Seriously, just stop.
• Meredith Viera - A picture of you should be in the dictionary next to the word "insipid."
• Randy Jackson - You're just annoying, dawg.
• K-Fed, J-Lo, A-Rod... - Anyone with irritating catchy abbreviations should be stripped of their right to vote and own land.
• Gene Simmons - You're not as great as you think you are. You did not come up with a cure for rickets or polio and you didn't split the atom. You slept with a lot of chicks and had a few decent selling albums. Why are you so great?
• Spike Lee - You must have quite an ego to be playing Malcolm X.

There are too many others to list. Feel free to add names and a short explanation in the comments section. Note that the explanation can be as simple as, "I just really can't stand the guy."

Congratulations to Michael Moore. Out of thousands of obnoxious celebrities, you are numero uno! Treat yourself to a pint of Ben & Jerry's or two. You deserve it.

*Why is it so fucking hard to get rid of an annoying accent?

**I left out obvious candidates like Paulie Shore, Carrot Top, Star Jones, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and friends, Richard Simmons, Bill O'Reilly, Ryan Seacrest, Jared the Subway commercial guy, Ann Coulter and countless others. Those are all self-explanatory.