Sleepless in Hell

As an individual who has suffered from insomnia throughout my life, I have certainly seen my share of late-night infomercials. In the wee hours of the morning, anything they say sounds believable. So I believe that the perfect life can be had for three easy payments of $29.99.

Imagine your life if you bought all the products that are offered on paid advertisements. You would be flattening your abs, making healthy and delicious juices, making millions of dollars in real estate investment (for pennies on the dollar) at your kitchen table in your underwear, playing the best golf of your life, looking years younger, eliminating all unwanted facial hair, becoming more confident than you ever dreamed possible, listening to all your favorite hits from the 70s, getting your house cleaned by a robotic vacuum, peeling potatoes flawlessly and cooking the most delicious meat you've ever had in your rotisserie. And if you're not 100% completely satisfied? No problem. You can simply return it in 3o days for a full refund, no questions asked. You don't even have to get up off your couch. And don't worry about forgetting the 800 number to call - they're gonna tell you a few more times.

So, I think that the secret of happiness is just purchasing all the crap you see on late night paid advertisement programs.

I have yet to purchase any of these items, but I've come damn close. I've had the phone in my hand and had dialed a few digits, but I come to senses, turn off the TV and retire to my sleeping chambers with a book that contains no advertisements whatsoever.

Unfortunately some of us are never happy. Look at Citizen Kane, a man who went from rags to riches but never truly became happy. If all of these resources were available in his day, perhaps his life would have turned out differently. At least he would have had a sparkling, citrus fresh kitchen floor to show for it.

But wait there's more! If you order within the next 3o minutes, you receive a free meat thermometer AND a flavor injector!