Expunged

When the clock strikes midnight tonight, my misdemeanor will officially be expunged. Gone. Like it never happened. But the memories of my brief incarceration and community service will stay with me forever. It has been six months since that perilous night and much has happened since. For instance, I got a new slip cover and developed cancer.

Now that I am a "free man" again, I am thinking about getting myself arrested again just for the experience. Maybe I'll see how Manhattan's central booking is. This time I will be better prepared and know to wear comfortable shoes, etc.

And now that I have an Ipod (the new one is so small it can fit in my wallet), the time will fly. I just need to make sure it's charged. I also need to make sure I take ample extended release Xanax prior and hydrate myself before going down. This time around, I may wear a large soft sweater that I can use as a blanket for the cold concrete floor and double up my socks so I can have a clean pair for my arraignment. I may try to smuggle a bottle of hand sanitizer in my anus because jail is a dirty place.

Why would I want to go through this hell again you may ask? Well frankly I could use the stories. I haven't had much to tell people in the past few months. Everyone I know has heard my arrest tale.** I also need the perspective. Being cuffed and locked up, even for just 20 hours is extremely humbling and once I get out again, I will appreciate the things I have that much more. I can look around the crowded cells and know that I am most likely the most educated and sophisticated individual in the room. I will be the only person to go home that night to a pretty cushy life where my days are filled with lox and my nights with high mineral content water.

Most of all though, my lone brush with the law left me...wanting more. Ever since then, I've been reading all kinds of book about prison and watching shows with names like Locked Up: Extended Stay and HBO's fictitious Oz reruns. Maybe that's why so many criminals are repeat offenders. They're addicted to the experience.

I figure I can do this once every six months just to keep myself in check. As long as it's erased from my record, it can't harm me. Now I know what to expect and can just sit back and really enjoy the experience.




*It's a hell of a lot cheaper than a hotel in Manhattan.
**Well, not Mom, Dad and Father Kevin.