Everybody's Talkin' at Me

Some people exist solely for the purpose of talking. They love to talk to you about anything and everything (mostly themselves) and have no interest in anything you have to say. You could sit there and tell them that you just killed your childhood priest and they will continue on about their latest business venture (which is usually bullshit) or his Prussian sword collection.

These people love to hang out at bars. They know the bartenders by name and no matter what time you get to the bar, he's already there waiting for his first victim. And they just know everything about everything. Anything you have to say is either wrong or ignored. Even if you agree about something, he will try to spin it to sound like you are disagreeing.

You will find people like this everywhere you go. Any neighborhood bar worth its salt has one. He's usually a few years past his prime and divorced, speaking bitterly of women's ways. Then he will just start telling you things about himself that you never wanted to know before you even order your first beer.

Most people ignore this person but I'm always the one that gets roped in to these lengthy discussions. Once whilst waiting at the airport, this lunatic woman started jabbering away. In the fifteen minutes that we (she) talked, I learned quite a bit about her life.

• Her father is a potato farmer in Maine.
• She lives with her mother in Ft. Meyers, Florida.
• She is an alcoholic.
• Most of her friends are junkies.
• She is on disability due to a herniated disc.
• The Mexicans in her neighborhood often flirt with her.
• She lost her virginity when she was 14.
• She got drunk the previous night at the hotel bar with some airline pilots. One of the bartenders tried to get her to invite him to her room but she declined.
• Her parents divorced when she was 2 and she speaks to her brother, but not her sister.

A few weeks later in Portugal, I was sitting at an outdoor cafe drinking a cerveja and a man who appeared to be homeless and insane started in. He kept going on and on (in English) about the how much he and his people have suffered. He kept repeating that he "walked for 40 miles and there was no water!" And he kept screaming about how "they raped all the women" and that they keep raping them. He then went on and on about the lack of water during his journey. I sat and nodded and the waiter finally asked him to leave.

You have to feel bad for these people, but they seem completely lack self awareness. They simply do not care if they are bothering you or you just came to the bar to have a quiet drink because your roommate is letting a bunch of gutter punk anarchists take over your living room.

They are also great martyrs and will make you feel guilty for looking at your watch or excusing yourself to go out for a smoke. So the next time you encounter one of these people, no matter how sane and friendly they seem at first, run like hell. They are nothing more than conversation predators using you for your ability to hear. Dateline NBC should run an expose on this. Chris Hansen could walk into a bar, park himself near a person like this and then bring in his film crew.

"Hi, I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC..."