The Road to Bellevue is Paved with Fabulous Architecture

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When you're in a long distance relationship on a heavy dose of Zoloft, sex is the last thing you think about. So, what do I think about in lieu of sex?

Houses.

I think about bricks and stone and slate and clapboard. Hardwood, cast iron, leaded glass, ornate moldings, wainscoting and granite. Chair rails, faucets, backsplashes and appliances. Porches, patios, solariums and drawing rooms. Kitchens, bathrooms, closets and attics. Shutters, cornices, gables and chimneys. Vikings, Sub-Zeros, Mieles and Thermadors.

It's a bit sick, but I know I'm not the only person that views real estate in a pornographic light. Hell, on one of my favorite real estate blogs (Curbed.com), they often feature a segment called "Floorplan Porn" where they show a particularly spectacular floorplan for a $7.95 million classic six on 77th and Lex.

Have you looked at real estate marketing materials lately? The Brown Harris Stevens catalogue of fine New York City townhomes and apartments should be contain a warning of explicit content and come in a plastic wrapper to hide its contents like High Society or Barely Legal.

As a male in my mid-20s, I should be interested in going to strip clubs and looking at smutty magazines and web sites, but to be honest with you, I get just as excited strolling through Brooklyn Heights or Fort Greene. Taking a drive through towns like Larchmont, NY or Maplewood, NJ with their gorgeous 1920s Tudors and Colonials on properties that boast mature oaks and sycamores is enough to make me...well you get the point. I'm a freak and should be institutionalized ASAP.

Am I wrong? Is it any different than looking at porn online? People are always fantasizing about what they can't have. There's a reason that Asian porn is so popular among white men. Or any porn for that matter.

People are constantly fantasizing about something, be it sports, cars, women, men, music, art, finance or real estate. We should all come out of our proverbial closets and admit that we have problems. We're all pretty miserable so we need distraction from the ennui that our lives consist of.

I'm going to bed now to dream about that perfect mint condition pitched-roof Tudor colonial built in 1922 on a half acre of park-like greenery with all the details and charm of yesteryear and the amenities of today...

As Woody Allen so eloquently said when he decided to marry his 17-year-old Asian step-daughter, "The heart wants what it wants."