Two years ago while working as a real estate agent, I began to post an ad for some crappy new construction condo on Craigslist and this is how it turned out:
Please buy something. Please. Please use me as an agent. I'm nice and I work hard. I really need the money. And I don't want to have to move back in with my parents.
Buyers: Please be serious and pre-qualified. We do not get paid to show you various different places. We do not have time to spend an entire Saturday carting you and your significant other around and showing you everything that's available. And if you cancel an appointment, please let us know ahead of time if possible. And if you express interest in a property, we will call you back. Do not avoid our calls. Just answer the phone and say, "We are not ready to buy yet." Or "We're moving to the Congo." Make something up, tell us to fuck off. Don't leave us hanging. Just so I know to cross you off my list. If you are at the very beginning stages of purchasing, please go to open houses on your own and not bother us and get our hopes up that you might actually be serious. And, please be realistic. If the house doesn't exist, it doesn't exist. There is a such thing as a compromise. You are not going to find that brownstone in Park Slope or dream loft with panoramic views in Dumbo for $750,000, so try to get a sense of the market before calling. and say that you are not in need of brokerage services, because if you are calling us, then you obviously do. And out-of-towners, we work for the seller, but try to be as fair as we can to the buyer. This is New York, we do not us MLS and we are not buyer's brokers. Have your attorney represent you in sale and get over it.
Sellers: Please be realistic. The market is not what it used to be. If your house is worth $850,000, and you want it listed at $1.2, we will do it just to get the listing, but please be sensible. Just because a house on your block sold for $1.1 last June does not mean that your shit box is worth that especially since it is in need of a total gut-renovation and probably won't pass an inspection. We all understand that you want the most for your house, but help us out a little. If it's sitting on the market for 8 months and you won't budge on the price after a multitude of reasonable offers, then you clearly do not want to sell your house. It's as simple as that. A New York Times ad costs a lot of money; we will stop advertising it and stop bringing people over because you are a pain in the ass. And if you really do want to sell, please help us out. Make it easy. Give us a key or be a little flexible on showing times. Not everyone is available on Thursdays between 5 and 6 am. We are putting a lot of time and effort into marketing your property and making appointments and running open houses. And please clean your house and rid it of offensive odors. Get the clothes off the floor, spruce it up, paint if you have to. Fuck, I'll come in and do it myself (on Thursdays between 5 and 6 am). And DO NOT BE PRESENT DURING OPEN HOUSES. And if you get an offer close to the asking price, take it, don't say "Well, we priced it too low, let's list it at $1.3 and see what happens."
Renters: Come on guys. It's only a year of your life. It doesn't HAVE to be perfect. And no, you will not find a similar property in Manhattan for that price, so why even bring it up? And don't complain about paying the fee. Remember: You called us. We found you a place that you like. Pay the fee. You look like yuppies and have guarantors that are worth in excess of $9 million dollars. Pay the fee and shut up. "I could have found this on my own." Yes, you could have, but you didn't. "In Milwaukee, we didn't have to pay a broker fee and we got a 4,000 sq. ft. loft for $1,200." Go back.
Owners/Landlords: See above about pricing. And have you heard of Fair Housing? This is Brooklyn, "home to everyone from everywhere." Except your overpriced shit box. No black people allowed. Even well qualified professionals. And don't act like your doing us a favor by letting us list your apartment. Remember, you're not paying us. The tenant pays. So don't give us a hard time for helping you out.
Other Agents: Calm down. If we don't want to co-broke with you, let it go. We're not all members of REBNY and we're only getting 3% nowadays. If we were getting 6%, then fine, co-broke away. And if you are co-broking, but would rather not (Corcoran), don't waste our time making appointments and accepting an offer when you know you're going to keep it in-house. This is the real world so we know how it works. Why even bother entertaining the notion of co-broking when offers "mysteriously" get misplaced... And you little Mom and Pop brokers: I got news for you: You don't have the means to compete with Corcoran or Halstead or Elliman, et al, so why try? Stick with your current loyal customers and don't be offended when your friend/neighbor/yoga instructor/sister decides to list their property with Corcoran instead of you at Tony's Realty of South Brooklyn. The big boys are more capable of getting the place sold and have marketing experts and an unlimited advertising budget. It's business. Anyway, if you are looking to buy, sell or rent a property, I have the expertise and work ethic to get the job done right! Please refer me to all your friends and associates. Thank you and happy hunting. :-)
(I guess it's best that I'm no longer in that line of work.)
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