It Is the Worst of times, It Is the Worst of Times

Radiation is ruining my life. I have handled everything pretty well up to this point - the tests, the biopsies, the waiting, the sleepless nights, the long dark winter of chemo, harassment from my employer. I've taken everything in stride, but now I am pissed.

It has been nearly a week since I have lost my sense of taste. Not that I can't taste anything, I can certainly taste a metallic flavor in everything I eat. In layman's terms, everything tastes like I have paired a delicate fillet of sole with a particularly aggressive Cabernet. Metallic. Metallica. Whatever.

I also can't drink. That doesn't just mean alcohol; it literally means that I can't drink. I force room temperature water down my sore throat all day and it also tastes like metal. I drank a half of a Corona on Saturday night, but it was horrible. My favorite beverage of all, mineral water, is intolerable. Apparently this side effect will linger for months after my treatment is over.

So, let's recap. Now that I can't talk, can't eat, can't drink, can't smoke, have a girlfriend that lives 3,000 miles away and live near golf courses that are too crowded to play on on the weekends, what pleasure do I have left? Not much, but the last time I checked, there wasn't nothing wrong with my nose, if you get my drift. (Wink, wink.)

No, I don't want to sniff Asian schoolgirls' soiled panties! Get your minds out of the gutter for crying out loud. I want to do copious amounts of cocaine! I haven't done coke in a while, but I think it's time to start up again. Now that I no longer have to spend money on food and beverages, my budget will be freed up to purchase some decent blow. And the coke will suppress my appetite so I will no longer think about food. And if my memory serves me correctly, coke is quite an enjoyable recreational drug. It's a win-win-win situation here.

I need to do something fun that won't harm me during this especially dark time in my life. Trust me, I thought about heroin, but I just don't think I'm ready. Plus, I need those veins for my weekly blood tests.

If you know a reliable and pleasant dealer within five miles of the 11231 zip code, please advise.