Hey Mami!

Any white female living in an up-and-coming area (or just passing through) has experienced the joys and terrors of minority men coming on to them. It's called "cat-calling" and it deserves its very own Dateline NBC expose. Hispanic men like to call out, "hey mami, can I get to know you?" Blacks like to say similar things but without the charm of a Latino accent. Plus, it's always more intimidating for white chicks to get hit on by black men, for obvious reasons.

I have some friends who just moved to Bedford Stuyvesant, Brooklyn from Pennsylvania who get harassed all the live-long day in their new 'hood. It's a rite of passage though for any young woman roughing it by not living in a door-man secured high-rise in the East 70s. It's something that you simply must accept as part of urban living. Cat calls are as ubiquitous as stray cats, corner bodegas and greasy Chinese takeout joints. Like the Tao, it just is.

But why? I have never really spoken to these cat-callers, but I think I might just to find out what the motivation is for acting this way. Has yelling something vulgar to a woman of a different race ever yielded success in the history of gentrification? I'm going to go out on a limb and say no. But the men keep going as if to challenge this statistic. A few more questions I would like to ask these guys.

• How do you have the time to do this all day? Do you work?
• Do you just yell out to white chicks or do you pick on your own kind too?
• How would you feel if someone spoke that way to your wife, sister, mother, daughter, niece, etc.?
• Is it advisable for white women to stay in shape and keep the booty at a reasonable size to stave off your comments or would you say things anyway?
• Have you ever gotten laid this way or even smiled at? Have your friends?
• What does your wife think of your hobby?
• Even though gentrification is not a positive thing for you and your family given your socioeconomic background and rapidly rising rents, do you secretly like it because it bring a whole new crop of white babes into your neighborhood?
• Does the idea of mace scare you?
• Does NOW scare you? (It scares me and I'm not even on your side.)
• What is wrong with you?

Since I am not exactly "working" these days, I may take up a similar hobby, but instead of hooting and hollering at white girls, I'm gonna do it to black foxes and spicy Latinas. Give them a taste of their own medicine. The old switcheroo. (The fact that the women are innocent in this matter is a non issue for me; I'll just be doing it to get back at the chauvinist minority men who so blatantly antagonize our suburban-bred would-be Abercrombie models.)

Ah, but alas, I can't because you and your brothers can kick my ass and I can't kick yours. I don't even like to look at women in public. I get a sense that they are there and I look the other way. Plus these little spoiled, art school chicks from Scarsdale had it coming anyway for ruining the fabric of the neighborhood. And they do have nice asses.