After 15 years, several therapists and God knows how many hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of psychoanalysis, my current therapist articulated what she thinks is wrong with me.
I am passive aggressive.* Yes, passive aggressive. But apparently I have a lot of pent up hostility and anger and instead of being hostile and petulant all the time, I redirect those feelings in a congenial way to subtly irritate those around me without them really noticing. (They may notice, but I'm so goddamn pleasant, that they can't fully hold me accountable.)
Apparently, I am angry at my mother, a woman I admire and adore, who would do anything for her son. I am angry at her because she is nervous and thus made her children nervous. I turned out to be a neurotic, self-loathing, depressive, prematurely bitter, self-entitled obsessive compulsive.**
This passive aggressiveness could work out in my favor. Now that I'm pretty much finished with the whole cancer thing, I could use my passive aggressive nature as an excuse. "Sorry I was late to work today, I got caught up redirecting my pent up hostility towards innocent bystanders." "But officer, you see, I was speeding because I secretly resent my mother for being so overbearing."
When I suggested that everyone is passive aggressive to a degree, my therapist simply shook her head and said that they weren't. Who is to say that I'm wrong?
*No one really knows what that precisely is, but people use the term constantly.
**But I'm still not as damaged as my sister.
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2 comments:
living with a mentally ill, overbearing, and nervous(which is the smallest understatement possible) is a curse in which i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. i wish i were never born sometimes.
living with a mentally ill, overbearing, and nervous(the biggest possible understatement) MOTHER is a curse in which i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. i wish i were never born sometimes.
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