In case you were wondering about Syrian Jews...

This is a great article that truly gives insight into the little known world of Syrian Jewish culture along Brooklyn's Ocean Parkway.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/magazine/14syrians-t.html

Enjoy.

Welcome To Brooklyn: We Don't Have Everything

If you ever drive in to or out of Brooklyn, you'll find some interesting welcome signs. We have the following signs welcoming you to (or telling you you're leaving) this most illustrious borough. Borough President Marty Markowitz has a sense of humor and it shows.

• Welcome to Brooklyn: Home To Everyone From Everywhere!
• Welcome to Brooklyn: Believe The Hype!
• Welcome to Brooklyn: Like No Other Place In The World!
• Welcome to Brooklyn: Not Just A Borough, An Experience
• Leaving Brooklyn: Oy Vey!
• Welcome: Brooklyn’s in the House!
• Leaving Brooklyn: Fugheddaboudit
• Welcome to Brooklyn: How Sweet It Is!
• Welcome to Brooklyn: Name It…We Got It

I pretty much enjoy all the signs and they are pretty true, but the last one (Name it...We Got It) got me thinking that, while we do have quite a bit in our borough, I can name some things that we do not have. Prepare yourself for another list. And I don't mean to sound pedantic.

What we don't have in Brooklyn...

• Fjords
• A restaurant that specializes in Danish cuisine.
• Pelicans
• Ample parking
• Great public schools
• A "Little Lichtenstein"
• Breakfast tacos
• Nascar fans
• Wal-Mart
• Legal brothels
• Fado (Portuguese folk singing)
• A championship golf course
• Bush supporters
• Palm trees
• Vineyards

Everything else we pretty much have.

Don't Murder Me

The murder rate is up in certain precincts in New York City and I don't give a fuck. Why should I? Most murders in our large cities are gang-related. I'm not in a gang and I generally don't hang out in those circles, so why should I care?

I know I'm gonna sound like the bad guy on this one, but when some thug kills another thug in the Mott Haven section of the Bronx, is it really a loss to society? Should we really care? No! That person was doing more harm than good to society and now he is in hell while his murderer is behind bars. Just like that, we've taken care of two miscreants.

New York City is a relatively safe place to live. If you're looking for trouble though, it will find you. My advice is: Don't look for trouble. We're all going to get mugged at some point while we live here, but we have a better chance of getting run over by the M42 bus than getting caught in a drive-by shooting. It just ain't gonna happen folks.

I'm a generally nice individual who cares about others, but when it comes to gang members, I really don't give a flying fuck whether they live or die or rot in prison for the rest of their lives. It's not just because they are criminals who cheat the system and live a crime-ridden life - it also has to do with the fact that they wouldn't care if I lived or died or rotted in prison. And in all likelihood, they are not sitting around on a crisp autumn Friday morning blogging about the fact that they don't care about me and my ilk.

Life is too short to care about the bad guys. They don't care about us, so we shouldn't care about them. Let them riot and smoke crack and shoot each other till kingdom come. As long as we don't have to hear it in the wee hours of the morning, it's fine with me. Murder rates are just statistics. We the gentry needn't worry.

Have a great weekend.

Baba Booey to y'all.

I'm a sick person. It's not just because I listen to Howard Stern on a daily basis, but I actually participate in the show. I sit in my car and actually make humorous comments as if I were actually on the show. I pretend that I'm part of the gang and interject when I feel it is appropriate. Sometimes I'll throw in a "hey now" or "Baba Booey" randomly.

When the show is not on, I often practice my greeting if I were ever to call the show. Here is what I have come up with so far.

"Hey Howard, I'm a big fan of the show."
"Long time listener, first time caller."
"Hi Howard, hi Robin."
"Howard, I was watching ___ last night and he mentioned ___."
"Yeah Howard, could you play that clip from ___ for me?"
"Howard, how are you?"
"What's going on Howard? I just wanted to say..."
"Howard, what's happening?"
"Howard, I was reading about the Sirius-XM merger and..."

In order to be a good caller to the show, one must get to the point immediately and say something relevant. My ultimate goal is to call in with a topic that starts a lengthy discussion (that keeps me on the air for several minutes). Then I will feel as though I have contributed to the show.

See, I don't really listen to Howard for the sex and the stripper interviews; I listen because I value his opinions. The show is at its best when it's just Howard and his crew bullshitting about mundane topics. (The news segment is awesome too.) The show has lost a bit of its spontaneity since it left regular radio, but the vibe is still the same. When he was on K-Rock, it was fun to listen to him complain constantly about the FCC and management and to see just how far he could push the envelope. At Sirius, he's pretty happy with everything and he can push the envelope as far as he wants.

Unfortunately, Howard isn't as miserable as he once was and that has made the show suffer. The show was truly at its peak when Howard was married and spending most of his time in his basement being miserable. Now he has a fiance that he loves deeply and actually leaves his house once in a while. Hopefully, when he gets married, he will revert back to his old ways. He still claims to be miserable, but it's just not the same. I really don't want Howard Stern to be miserable, but it did make for excellent radio.

The show also lost some of its magic upon the departure of Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling. It wasn't necessarily great then because Jackie was funny (he often wasn't), but the amount of harassment directed toward Jackie was hysterical, particularly the falsetto imitations of his voice. On more than one occasion I had to pull the car over because I was laughing so hard. I still long for those days.*

It's just not the same with Jackie's replacement, Artie Lang. Artie has some funny observations, but he never shuts the fuck up. He also agrees with everything Howard has to say, unlike Jackie. So I say, F Artie, bring back Jackie!

No matter what, I will remain loyal to the show and maybe one day I'll be a guest (or at least a caller).


*I still do on occasion, especially when Gilbert Gottfried is a guest.

Oyster Wars

Apparently they are making a movie about the Notorious B.I.G. (I heard this from my number one news source - The News with Robin on Howard Stern.) Why did this young man die at such a tender age? Was it his cholesterol? No, he was killed in a drive-by shooting, which seems to be the number one killer of rap stars today. Evidently they didn't like him because he was an east coast rapper. This was only a few months following the death of west coaster Tupac.

Much like the situation in the Middle East, I'm not so sure if I really understand what this hip hop rivalry was about. I mean, rap is rap, right? Apparently it goes a lot deeper than that and feelings get hurt and people die.

I wonder what it would be like if people were so militant about their choice of oysters. Oysters, like rap, are an east coast, west coast thing. I wonder if there have been any documented cases of violence over the difference between Blue Points and Baron Points. Some may like the brininess of Malpeques (PEI) versus the sweetness of Kumamotos.

I'm sure there are people out there that would get all riled up about oysters and what conditions make them taste different in different types of waters. Some say that Pacific oysters are better than Atlantic oysters because they have a higher mineral content and are creamier. But Atlantic oyster fans might say that their oysters are better because of the texture and saltiness.

As the gentry seem to have more and more time on their hands, it only makes sense that a war on oysters be started. So the next time you are dining alfresco and eating your Wellfleets, some maniac from Tillamook, Oregon in a Saab could pull up to your table and shoot you with a 9mm. So be careful and discreet with your choice of oyster. In fact, it might just be safer to eat shrimp.

You might be a gentrifier...

In the tradition of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." skits, I have compiled my own list for gentrifiers.

You might be a gentrifier if...

• You spend a lot of time at the the food co-op.
• You feel as if your child is highly gifted even if she's average or just plain dumb.
• You feel that NPR is a pillar of objective journalism.
• Your parents helped you with your down payment for your brownstone in Park Slope.
• You lived in Williamsburg at some point after college.
• You recycle.
• You are vehemently against anything corporate but still go to Starbucks if it's convenient.
• You carry around a New York Times and quote articles verbatim.
• You call yourself an artist.
• You spend more money at the farmer's market on Sunday than your cleaning lady makes in a week.
• You refuse to eat at McDonald's or any other fast food establishment.
• You spend your weekends visiting art galleries.
• You have a car, but only because you "need it for the kids" or to "transport your art around in."
• Said car is a Prius, a Volvo, a Saab, a VW or a Mini.
• You have claimed to be "bohemian" at one point in your life.
• You wish you could pursue a career that is creative.
• You respect the hell out of minorities but get irritated when they make a lot of noise past 9 p.m.
• You attended a small liberal arts college.
• You've been to that new wine bar down the street and you liked it, but wish they had a better selection of Syrah.
• You feel as though the lottery is a regressive tax on the poor.
• You donate to various charities as long as they are secular.
• You love the fact that the neighborhood you currently live in used to be a haven for drugs and prostitution.
• You found your apartment on Craigslist.
• You go abroad at least once a year.
• You have at least a few homosexual friends.
• You listen to indie rock.
• Your girlfriend has tattoos that she covers up when she visits your parents in Connecticut.
• You take your dog to the local bar, which is dog-friendly.
• You eat out at the trendiest restaurants and find flaws with all of them.
• You dedicate at least 45 minutes a day to reading blogs.
• You like to tell people that you don't own a television.
• You know a lot about the situation in Darfur because of what you read in the Times last week.
• You breastfeed in public and encourage others to do so too.
• You spend rainy Sunday afternoons reading at the Tea Lounge.
• Your friend is in a band that plays in Williamsburg.
• You named your baby Miles.
• You purchase soy milk.
• You've been to a loft party in Bushwick - you took the L there but a car service home.
• You got rid of all your CDs when you got an iPod.
• You spent the night in jail for something silly and then blogged about it.*

More to come later I'm sure.

*I did this, along with a lot of other things mentioned above because, well, I'm a gentrifier.

Hey, it's ok...

I'll admit it: I read Glamour sometimes. But my rules on reading Glamour are similar to my rules for smoking weed - I only do it when I have nothing better to do and I never pay for it.

My sister has a subscription and my girlfriend's former roommate had one too so I was able to get my fixes in those two places. I also will read it in airport newststands.

I do enjoy Glamour, particularly its "Dos and Don'ts" and the hilarious monthly segment entitled "Would you dare?" which features a pictorial of a young woman performing daily tasks in public with cum on her face or something to see if anyone notices. But my favorite is the "100% Guilt-Free Page!" On this page, Glamour editors tell the women of the world that it's ok to have whole milk once in a while or to call in sick when you have your period. I have written by own little guilt-free page for you gals out there.

Hey, it's ok...

• To fuck the entire defensive line of the New York Giants...it is football season after all!
• To have another baby just so you can stay on welfare another year.
• To blow a few lines of coke now and then...you do need your energy!
• To evade your taxes and pretend that you didn't know that you had to pay them...if you're cute, the IRS will understand.
• To leave your 3-month old in the car with the windows closed when you shop like a diva for four hours...the kid wouldn't have any fun in Barney's anyway!
• If you love your cat so much that you touch him in ways that may not be considered "appropriate"...he is your best friend after all.
• To have sex with your 12-year old student...all those other women are doing it!
• To knowingly infect others with herpes...a girl's gotta have fun!
• To have that sixth cosmo and drive home and pretend to the cop that you thought it was a Shirley Temple.

Maybe Glamour will hire me to write next month's column. I think I already wrote it.

Are you willing to settle for mediocrity in your life?

Everybody knows someone who does that knife selling scam. Cutco. It's always the annoying kid next door or your annoying little cousin who thinks he's doing something entrepreneurial.

In my family, there's a cousin - who is really not a cousin, just the son of a woman one of our cousins married - who is involved with this knife selling shit and let me tell you something: It's irritating. The kid brings these knives everywhere he goes trying to con people into making appointments with him. And it's hard for people to say no. He brought the knives to my dad's 60th birthday party and to our cousin's 25th anniversary. I'm just waiting for him to show up at the next funeral demonstrating how the Cutco 975Z can slice through a mahogany casket.

It's just inappropriate and very tacky to show up to family events with potentially dangerous objects. I won't dispute the quality of the product - it's a fine product, but you can buy knives just as good or better in the same price range without giving some idiot high school senior the satisfaction (and commission). But who is to blame? Is it the kid, the parents or the company?

I think it's a combination of the three and I truly believe that Cutco brainwashes their employees. My non-cousin uses a lot of phrases that indicate that he may have been brainwashed, such as "are you willing to settle for mediocrity in your life?" The answer to that question is YES! I would rather settle for mediocrity than to buy these knives from you. Henckel makes an excellent product without the annoying marketing tactics. (I'm not sure if their scissors can produce a corkscrew out of a penny and I frankly don't care because I already have a small corkscrew that I keep in my glovebox.)

I also hate the way Cutco recruits employees (which I am sure are referred to as "associates" or "team members"). They put up extremely vague ads all over the internet, newspapers and on fliers on college campuses. The same ad will appear over and over in classified sections (in all different categories). All the ads sound pretty much the same:


Jumptstart your Career! $18/hour base pay. Perfect for college students! Make a fortune and have a blast doing it! Take charge of your life - call 212-555-4908.


It sounds like the perfect gig, right? So you call the number and you are immediately invited for an interview (or a demonstration workshop) as long as you are at least 17. (I called after my senior year of high school.) But wait, what does the job entail? They will tell you that it is a marketing position that involves sales of different types of products for different types of purposes. Wait a minute, is this the knife thing? No answer. "You will be marketing housewares and sporting goods to a wide variety of different people. It will be better explained in the interview."


So finally I blurt out, "IS THIS OR IS THIS NOT KNIFE SALES?"


"Well technically, we market products that may or may not include devices that are used to assist in cutting items..."

After a few more minutes they finally admitted that they were indeed Cutco and I hung up without saying my perfunctory goodbye.

So the moral of the story is: Don't work for Cutco (or Vector Marketing), don't buy Cutco products even if the lady you play Mahjong with has a grandson who is embarking on an exciting new career and don't associate with those who sell or use said knives, even if it means settling for mediocrity and not being able to make corkscrews out of pennies.

Eye of the Tiger

Tiger Woods is not normal. He may not even be human. I just can't picture him performing mundane daily tasks and interacting with people like the dry cleaner.

Watching him play is enough to make one cringe. The guy is uncomfortable to watch, but you still root for him. You route for him because he does not lose with grace. He always seems to be disappointed (even when he is playing well and does win). I don't think Tiger will ever be satisfied because there is no such thing as perfection and no one, but no one has ever or will ever truly master the game of golf. It can't be done.

Someone once asked Arnold Palmer if he ever though he had mastered the game. His response was, "Once, for about nine holes." It's not enough for Tiger to be the number one golfer in the world. He also has to beat his own personal bests.

Most PGA golfers relax after a long tournament. Tiger goes back to the practice tee to work on his mid-irons if he felt they were lacking that day. (I bet he even practices the night after a win.) I just can't picture him kicking back in the clubhouse with the guys drinking a few Sam Adams.

Why do we all root for Tiger? Is it because he's ethnic? I think that novelty wore off about 10 years ago. He doesn't seem to be a particularly pleasant or humorous individual. Not that he seems like an asshole - he just does not seem very likable. Other modern golfers such as Phil Mickelson think they are likable while others just go with the fact that they are assholes, like Vijay Singh and Jim Furyk. Tiger fits neither of these categories. He's way too politically correct to outwardly be a prick. (Although you can see him mouth the word "fuck" from time to time.) Nike and Buick have forced him to smile, but it's pretty safe to say that Tiger wouldn't crack a smile on the golf course after a 50-foot eagle putt on the final day of the Masters to take the lead.

The best players in the world that precede Tiger had a similar way about them, except for Arnold Palmer. Bobby Jones, Ben Hogan and Jack Nicklaus were all selfish perfectionists who viewed this game as the single most important thing in the world. They did not get along with the other guys on the tour either. (Tiger pretends to be buddies with them, but I can't envision him and Stuart Appleby going bowling on Tuesday nights together.)

I just feel bad for his child. I think it's a girl. I am sure the child, who is only a few months old, is already a huge disappointment. She has not advanced in the way he would like her to at this point. I envision bad things for this child - a life of constant pressure from her father to succeed. I'm sure it would be alright with him if she isn't interested in golf, but she goddamn better be interested in something and she better be the best in the world at whatever that may be. If she wants to play the clarinet, she better be the best clarinet player to ever live. This child be be on a lot of medication before she hits puberty.

The other thing about Tiger is that the guy is squeaky clean. When are we going to hear about the time he snorted coke out of a stripper's twat or got drunk and crashed his Buick LeSabre into a kindergarten classroom? Most other supposed role model superstars have had some scandal in the past.* Michael Jordan with his gambling, Bill Cosby with his illegitimate children, Jerry Seinfeld dating a 17-year old, Martha Stewart with her little problem. And figures throughout American history starting with George Washington chopping down the cherry tree and Thomas Jefferson boinking his slaves. What about Tiger? When are we gonna hear anything bad about the guy?

I don't think we will ever hear about such things about him because he's too busy being perfect. It's just not normal. But I hope he continues to win and break Nicklaus' record of 18 Major wins. It's too uncomfortable to watch otherwise.


*Except for Will Smith.

Travels with Father

Over the weekend, while staying at my mother's house, I came across a little burgundy pocket notepad in my old bedroom. I immediately remembered what was written in there. It's a list of irritating quotes from my father from two separate vacations we took together back while I was in high school. The first trip we went to Italy (I was 17) and the second a year later to a golf school near Orlando, Florida.

First the Italy quotes:

• "PJ, don't touch that."
• "PJ, are you alright?"
• "You don't need more film. I have film; you can just use my damn camera."
• "PJ, don't buy that."
• "PJ just put the goddamn things on the table and come back - I can't carry all this shit and you're gonna drop it."
• "PJ, you gotta start learning how to do things."
• "Don't buy things from there. What are you gonna do with that?"
• "PJ, you better get to the gym this week, right when you get home!"
• "And don't get into the habit of drinking wine every night."
• "PJ, would you have been able to figure out how to get here by yourself?"
• "PJ, you gotta push the thing back when you flush the goddamn toilet!"
• "I bet you've never seen a bidet before - pretty neat, heh?"
• "You don't need to bother with postcards - it's too much of a hassle, ya know with stamps and mailing it."
• "PJ, you better get your things neat - you're making a mess."
• "What are you gonna do with 40 bucks worth of lira? You better take that to the bank and have it changed."
• "PJ, you gotta be more careful when crossing the street."
• "Don't wear dungarees, we're going to the Vatican."
• "PJ, I already told you - you are NOT BUYING ANOTHER CAMERA! It's 25 bucks, 25 lira and I have 40 pictures left on mine!"
• "And did your mother give you any spending money?"
• "You mean to tell me you don't have any small lira?!"
• "PJ, take this 10 dollar bill to the bank and change it into lira. I don't know why you need to buy anything, but okay."
• "PJ, here's your passport. You show them your passport and then GIVE IT BACK TO ME."
• "PJ, why don't you wear jacket; it might get a little chilly later."
• "PJ, don't leave the key in the room. PJ, did you hear me? DON'T LEAVE THE KEY IN THE ROOM!"
• "PJ, face the other way, you're snoring."
• "PJ, be down by 7:15 - I'll be down there. Do you need me to come up and get you or will you be okay? 7:15, okay?"
• "What does your mother do all day?"
• "You better get some hitting in this week. You can't go two weeks without it, you understand? Two weeks is a long time."
• "PJ, you better get the oil changed on that car. Have your mother set up an appointment - she knows what to do."
• "PJ, ya know you don't have to stay up till 11 or 12 tonight - get a good night's sleep."
• "PJ, do you want me to take your passport now? Where are you gonna put it? Do you have a bag or something? Don't lose it."
• "Don't sleep all day tomorrow when you get home - get up and go to the gym or something. I don't want you sleeping the whole day."
• "PJ, I hope your mother knows she's paying for this call. It's expensive ya know. I hope she knows she paying. Don't talk to long, you understand?"
• "And what do you plan on doing with that scarf thing you bought?"
• "PJ, you can bargain with these people ya know."
• "Don't get Heineken here; it'll cost 18,000 lira!"
• "PJ, where the hell have been? What time did you plan on getting to the gate? You had me a little worried. What the hell were you doing? Did you have some trouble? I should have told you to get here a half hour before we board, not 10 minutes! Jesus Christ."
• "PJ, what do you mean the seat goes back without you pushing the button? Let me see what you mean - PJ, you're leaning on it!"
• "Don't go to the bathroom now. This is not a good time to go. Wait, just wait."
• "You can rest but DON'T FALL ASLEEP, you understand?
• "PJ, don't get a beer NOW! I don't necessarily feel like paying for a beer right now."

Fast forward a year later to our father-son golf school trip.

• "Stay here and watch these bags. I'll be back - watch them, okay?"
• "PJ, you're gaining weight. Can you feel that? You better watch that."
• "I've never seen so many hotels and restaurants in my life!"*
• "I don't mind you smoking, as long as it doesn't become a habit."
• "PJ, take a break! You're hitting too many. Sit down, walk around - you're gonna wear yourself out."
• "What's the problem here? Did you try to put the key in the other way? Jesus Christ!"
• "This navigation system is amazing! How do they do that? How do they know where you are? This is NEAT!"**
• "I'd really like to have a beer, but I DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. That's my policy ya know."***
• "I don't drink light beers, only Amstel occasionally. In fact, I don't drink cheap domestic beers like Coors Light. Ahh, it's terrible!"
• "What do you need to get gifts for?"
• "You really have to learn how to putt."
• "PJ, are you up? You're not up!"
• "PJ, are you okay?"
• "If you didn't hit so many balls, you wouldn't need bandaids."
• "Do you think you could drive down here? I don't think so."
• "PJ, do you have everything?"
• "PJ, you can't be leaving clubs on the green."
• "So this Chase person isn't going to school next year?"****
• "And does that Leo character still bother you?"
• "Maybe in the spring you can have a couple beers - a COUPLE!"
• "If I had a cigarette right now, I would get dizzy. I remember one time in college a few of us were screwing around with that tobacco stuff that you put in your cheek...I was on the ground."
• "This Sopranos is some funny stuff!"
• "This is a real redneck place down here - lots of rednecks."
• "How could a guy walk into a restaurant dressed like that? I don't understand these people."
• "You don't have to swing so hard. Just SLOW DOWN!"
• "What did you learn from this week? I spent a few bucks, so I hope you learned something."
• "I want you practicing EVERYDAY when you get home. If it's a little cold, practice putting in the house. But you need carpet to do that, okay? Ya can't do it on the wood."
• "PJ, make sure the shower curtain is on the INSIDE. I found goddamn puddles all over the bathroom. What the hell are you thinking about in there?"
• "I like this Epcot; it's really neat! I like it because it's so well organized. I don't know how they do that."
• "Maybe I'll get a little place in Florida next year, but on the west coast, not Boca...too many Jews."
• "Are you taking your pills?"*****
• "You just called 911! You're supposed to dial 91 plus the area code. Now the police are coming to the room! Leave the fucking door open. Next time, use the cell phone - I don't need this aggravation!"
• "I haven't seen one European car yet - that's because there are a lot of rednecks. Once you leave the New York metropolitan area, you don't see too many decent cars."
• "PJ, stay right here. Don't move!"
• "I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE THE CLUBS UNATTENDED! JESUS CHRIST!"
• "There's gotta be some upscale restaurants somewhere around here."
• "Put your shit in the drawers. Let's get a little organized here."
• "Aren't you gonna get hot with pants on today? Don't you want to put on shorts?"
• "Get up a little early tomorrow. Pack your stuff in the morning. You're gonna be tired at night, you understand?"
• "You should be watching your video before AND after you practice."
• "Get this station off - I can't concentrate."
• "And it wouldn't kill you to learn a little about the catering industry this summer."
• "Well, I'm not retired yet, but I'm winding down. We'll see. I have a few ideas."
• "What is this Medieval Times business? I don't get it."
• "Norway sounds like an interesting country - dominated by the fishing industry. They must eat a lot of fish there."
• "O'Doul's is terrible. I can't drink that shit and neither should you."
• "That monorail must go from one Disney park to the other, right?"
• "This is different from Italy."
• "We wouldn't have gotten lost if you had a better sense of direction, PJ. That's something you have to work on."
• "Where is Morocco? It's in Africa, but it's sophisticated, right?"
• "I don't see how that would help you, but okay."
• "What is Friends? Like a TV show or something?"
• "Those race fans must be upset because that Dale Earnhardt guy died. That would be like if Tiger Woods got hit by a golf ball and died...we'd be pretty upset too."
• "This guy was a state senator! Pretty NEAT, heh?! We're playing golf with a senator!"
• "This guy seems pretty low key for a politician. I like him even though he's a Democrat."
• "If I sucked that bad, I would take up a new hobby."
• "Laptops are pretty neat, heh? I can go online even in Florida!"
• "A lot of things changed while I was in college. When I was a freshman, you'd get expelled for having a beer in the room, but later my buddies started smoking pot and I was like appalled, but I joined in after a while."
• "Maybe when you get out of college, you could live in my place and I'll go somewhere else. We'll get new cabinets and change the floor. You'd keep the place neat, right?"
• "I like this tape. Who is it? Van Morrison - he's black, right?"
• "PJ, I don't necessarily want you beating me when we play, okay? I didn't intend for this when i planned this trip."
• "How are your hands? Give them a day to heal."
• "You don't need sunscreen."
• "What's better, SPF 15 or 30?"
• "PJ, that's too much club. Hit the 7."
• "PJ, you don't have to hit the driver every time. Use the 3-wood. I spent $300 on that thing."
• "I think you ought to iron those pants - they've been in the suitcase all day. I brought an iron with me."
• "You're mother isn't gonna be able to drive to any of these schools you're looking at ya know."
• "How are you getting along with Mr. Stewart? Does he ever say anything to you about quitting baseball?"
• "I don't care what you're doing - I want you to practice!"
• "PJ, did you happen to comb your hair?"
• "And Rich Salamone allows this drinking every weekend? I'm surprised."
• "That Joel - he was born with a bottle in his hand."
• "And what does your sister plan on doing next year?"
• "I don't know why these teachers are making such a big deal out of this contract shit. Teachers make a lot of money for doing very little - and they get a HEFTY PENSION!"
• "Next year, we'll take a big trip to Italy - a trip like that requires planning ya know. You can't just hop on a plane."
• "Pittsburgh is a NEAT city."
• "Put that tray up! You can't have that down now, ya understand?"
• "PJ, are you writing down everything I say?"

Wow, just typing that all out exhausted me and made me relive those two weeks with him. This is why I don't travel with him anymore. I love my father, but looking back at this in retrospect has left me with some mixed feelings. I did laugh aloud in some parts, but others left me feeling a little angry. His voice is now embedded into my brain and I will have nightmares. I sacrifice a lot for the sake of this blog.

*This was said at least 14 times during the trip.

**Said about 20 times. (Bear in mind, this was 1999.)

***This is following a recent DUI - his 2nd in a few years.

****Referring to a hipster friend of mine.

*****Asked 8 times a day.

Question of the Day

Do you think that Rod Stewart has a constant sore throat or is just he naturally raspy?

(Please don't) Pimp my ride.

Every time I see a vehicle that has a lot of chrome and blacked out windows and other accouterments that indicate that it has been "pimped," I cringe. I feel as though there should be an immediate arrest for anyone who possesses that type of car. The cars should be seized and either destroyed or restored back to the manufacturer's specifications.

What motivates people to take an ordinary nondescript automobile such as a Honda Accord and lower it three inches, take the muffler out to make it extra irritating to other drivers and pedestrians and install a sound system that costs more than than their annual income?

It really bothers me when people take luxury sedans* - sedans once reserved for the wealthy - and put 22" spinners on it and get those really obnoxious tail lights (and of course black out the windows because the driver and his idiot passengers are obviously important people). Mercedes-Benzes no longer have cache anymore because too many classless buyers (lessees) take possession of these cars and absolutely destroy them. Do you think the engineers in Stuttgart, Germany envision a bunch of drug dealers and welfare cheats buying their meticulously engineered cars and ruining any grace and elegance it had? That's enough to make an entire company sick.

And are the dedicated folks at Bentley (which is owned by Volkswagen) and Rolls Royce (a BMW brand) painstakingly picking out the finest leathers and woods in the world and handcrafting each and every vehicle that rolls out of the assembly plant for the likes of...50 Cent?? Come on. Forty years ago, the idea of someone that uncouth owning (or even seeing) a Bentley or a Rolls was a blasphemy.

How do we stop this? The only way is with laws. Let's make this a top priority and rid America's highways and byways of these heinous rolling pieces of steel and aluminum. It must stop.

Cars you generally don't see all pimped out are Volkswagens (except for those idiot boy racer types with customized GTIs), Audis, Volvos and Saabs. All others are vulnerable.

So next time you plunk down sixty thousand of your hard-earned dollars on that BMW 550i, remember that there's a 19-year old high school dropout that has the same one, except his has bigger rims and a state-of-the-art sound system that will frighten elderly people and small children when the bass is turned up.


*Cadillacs are a lost cause at this point. The entire concept of the Escalade revolves around ghetto-tastic wannabe pimps.

Another blogger goes to jail.

Someone sent me a link of a blog that tells a similar tale of my previous posting about being detained at 120 Schermerhorn St., Brooklyn, NY 11201 - Brooklyn Central Booking. This guy also has a blog, albeit a little different from mine. His is called "Diaper Bandit" and it's about child rearing. Apparently this yuppie/hipster dad from Williamsburg had his dog off the leash and had an outstanding arrest for another canine-related incident.* Here is his story.

http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/diaperbandit/archive/tags/brooklyn+central+booking/default.aspx

Apparently this guy is not nearly as much of an asshole as I am. The guy was detained for 42 hours (more than twice as long as my 20 or so hours) and he barely had a negative or sarcastic comment about his fellow inmates. He also had his wife and friends ready to take the case to the Supreme Court for his release, while I just waited it out and observed and snickered at those around me.

He even went as far as contemplating whether he should "keep in touch" with the miscreants he called roommates for three nights. I, on the other hand, made quips about Rikers Island probably being pretty pleasant due to its waterfront location in front of dudes who were going up there. His wife gave a heroin addict a quarter while I told a junkie that I couldn't wait to go sit in my centrally air conditioned apartment.

This guy is supposed to be a writer and 42 hours in the hands of Brooklyn's finest should make for a pretty provocative story, but his was, well, bland and predictable. (It was an interesting choice for him to include pictures of his gifted child and special dog between paragraphs to show a stark contrast between his cushy gentrified reality and the hell he was in at the time.)

Hell, the guy didn't even ask for soap.

What did you think? Read his story and then read my entry from Tuesday, September 4th.

http://gentryornot.blogspot.com/2007/09/people-of-state-of-new-york-versus-me.html

Which blog was more interesting? The comment board is open.


*Maybe this guy should considering getting a cat.

Degentrification

As much of an advocate for gentrification I am, I can't help but think that it must have been mighty interesting to live in New York City (and other cities across America) during the Sixties and Seventies just to watch the decline. Frankly, I get tired of hearing about places that are "up and coming" and improving. I'm tired of cutesy little shops (shoppes) and coffee places with fair trade coffee and organic muffins taking over our sleazy bodegas and fried chicken joints.

Will all of New York City look like 68th and Lex in 20 years? That's the direction we are headed in this city. I think blight (in moderation) adds character and urban character to a city. If it's all too quaint, what do we have? A large version of New Hope, PA or Woodstock, NY (both only a two hour drive away from Manhattan).

It is nice not to look at graffiti on every subway car and to not have to step over urinating crackheads in every station, but sometimes our subway stations look just a little too sterile and family friendly. Everything is family (and Midwestern tourist) friendly in New York City these days. Times Square, formerly a haven for drugs, prostitution and X-rated book stores, now resembles a suburban strip mall complete with a McDonald's, a Chevy's, an Applebee's, a Foot Locker and a Disney Store. This can all be found on route 46 in Parsippany, New Jersey and on route 591 in Addison, Wisconsin. (At least there's parking there.) Perhaps they can tear it all down and put a Wal-Mart in its place.

Three decades ago, people were scared of this city. It must have been pretty fucking scary here. Neighborhoods were burning, the city was bankrupt, crime was at an all-time high and crack was hitting the streets. Everything was dirty and dingy. Here are a few ways things have changed.

• Neighborhoods such as the South Bronx and Bushwick were not thought of as the next haven for artists and hipsters; they were war zones.
• Fifth Avenue in Park Slope and Smith Street in Carroll Gardens were not lined with expensive boutiques and restaurants.
• DUMBO was not invented yet.
• No one was trying to turn Coney Island into Vegas-by-the-Sea.
• Whites were moving to Long Island and Jersey en masse.
• There wasn't nothin' cool about Red Hook, Brooklyn or Long Island City, Queens.
• Times Square was a vibrant, interesting and often dangerous place.
• No one had ever heard of Bernie Goetz.
• Some neighborhoods didn't have wine shops yet.
• Cops had more important things to do than write me tickets for not wearing a seat belt as I move my car from one side of the street to the other (to avoid a parking ticket).

So, can't we leave a few neighborhoods alone and make the gentry stop? Let everyone out of Rikers at once and drop them off in Park Slope, shut down the force in the 72nd Precinct and let 'em run wild. See what happens. I would pay to see that. It would be like the Fifties through the Eighties all at once. One big degentrification project starting in November. We'll see what happens. It would be neat if the current residents of the Slope were not warned ahead of time. I am giddy just thinking about it. Maybe I'll write a letter...

The Golden Child

Every family has a child who is favored by his or her parents, whether they admit it or not. This theory almost never ceases to be true. Think of any family that you know and pick out who the "golden child" is. It should take no longer than .0006 seconds for you to figure this out.

About the golden child: It's usually a boy, but there are exceptions to this rule. The child is either the smart, attractive, athletic one who is the CEO of a hedgefund or the one with the tattoos who smokes a lot of pot who does those weird clay sculptures. For whatever reason, the parents just love that child more.

No parent ever would admit this (and they may never realize it), but the children always know who it is and outsiders can always tell. Who can do no wrong? Who gets away with the most? Who is talked about with praise incessantly? Who needs the most attention and support? That is often the golden child.

The the best example of a golden child in American literature has to be Willy Loman's oldest son in Death of a Salesman, Biff. Biff Loman had it all growing up. He was handsome, athletic, charming and most importantly, well-liked. Willy was constantly encouraging Biff and defending Biff for his wrongdoings. When Biff stole a football from his school, Willy thought it was fine because his son was the quarterback who needed to practice his passing. When Biff flunked math, Willy was the first to blame the teacher.

Meanwhile Biff's younger brother Happy was constantly trying to get his father's attention. During flashback scenes in the play, Willy was talking and laughing with Biff as Happy tried to gain the attention of his father."I'm losing weight, Pop, you notice?" he asked more than once. His father did not. He was too consumed with Biff's athletic endeavors and his popularity at school.

As you know, Biff turned out to be a drifter who would never figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He failed math and never graduated high school because Willy let him down. He then went out west and came home intermittently. Happy, despite his philandering ways, had a decent career and somewhat of a future. Who was still the favorite? Yep. Biff. Once the golden child, always the golden child. He can do no wrong.

I often wonder who was the golden child in the Menendez family. I no little about the case besides what I heard on the CBS evening news 15 years ago. Was it Lyle or Erik?* Maybe they were the exception. Maybe both children were hated equally. They did, after all, kill their parents. But I wonder if one of them was more hesitant about it than the other?

I am sure O.J. Simpson was the golden child of his family and despite what he has done, he still is. Again, once the golden child, always the golden child. I'm sure his mother wouldn't believe that he committed those two murders even if she saw it happen in front of her eyes.

In my family, I am clearly the golden child and I certainly enjoy it. My mother speaks of me often and fondly, even though I have not really accomplished anything that impressive. My poor sister has to live with this for the rest of her life. (I think our father is equally disappointed in both of us, but at the end of the day, I think I win.)

I believe that it is decided the day that child is born whether or not he or she will be the favorite. I think parents just know.

It feels good to be golden. I hope I turn out a little better than Biff Loman.

*Probably Erik because no parents would name a child they are supposed to love "Lyle," except for maybe Lyle Lovett who would be the golden child no matter what.

Another promising sign of gentrification.

http://www.brownstoner.com/brownstoner/archives/2007/09/streetlevel_oli.php

Here is a liquor store in Bed-Stuy where you don't have to pick your selections through bulletproof glass! Another one for our side!

Who needs a townhouse out in Park Slope? Is that all you get for your money?

Every Sunday there are thousands of open houses. I would go to all of them if I could. I am the first to admit that I am a real estate junkie. I love going into the homes of strangers and pretending that I'm interested. I often will put a fake name and address on the sign-in sheet so the broker doesn't bother me again.

I used to sell this overpriced crap so I feel as though it's okay for me to waste the time of others because that's precisely what everyone did to me when I was a realtor. So I go in, dressed in my Sunday smart-casual househunting attire. I pretend I have more than two dimes to rub together (which is easily achieved by putting on a decent pair of slacks and a Polo shirt) and go through these apartments and houses asking questions like, "What's the square footage?" "Is the plumbing updated?" "How long has it been on the market?" All bullshit questions that could be answered by punching in the address on propertyshark.com.

Yesterday I found myself strolling around in Park Slope. I saw an open house sign and I was pulled into that direction by the real estate gods. I have no control. I must go. It doesn't matter what the place is and how much it costs. I must attend.*

So here I was on a decent block, not quite in prime Park Slope in a $1.9M townhouse that has recently been renovated. Sounds impressive, huh? For nearly two million big ones, you can get a 16 foot wide two bedroom one bath with a small rental on the garden floor.

Now there was nothing wrong with this house really. It was in move-in condition and the renovation was not objectionable. But the living room was so small, a sofa and a coffee table could not both exist comfortably and the kitchen had tiny appliances usually reserved for tiny rentals and European apartments. (The granite countertop did not make up for this.) A small deck is located off the kitchen.

Upstairs one will find two bedrooms - really one decent sized room that could maybe fit a queen bed and a dresser and one that could barely be a nursery or office. And one bathroom that is nothing special. I didn't bother looking at the closets.

The garden level rental had a bedroom so small, a full bed would fit and not much else. The finishes were nice though for a rental. The broker tried to tell me that this unit would fetch "$2,500 easy." I smell bullshit, but if that helps him get through the day, fine.

So let's say you put down 10% ($190K) and that taxes are $300 a month. This leaves you paying more than $11K (based on a 30 year fixed at 6.5%) a month for a two bedroom house a half block from industrial 4th Avenue with small appliances with no special features whatsoever.** Even if you get $2,000 a month for the rental, you're still at $9,000 for your mortgage payment and taxes, not to mention the headaches of homeownership and the utilities and dealing with an asshole yuppie tenant.

The numbers just don't add up. For that kind of money I want that "wow" factor, not just "Okay, I can live with this if I get smaller furniture and vow never to entertain more than two guests at a time."

Maybe next weekend I'll check out Bed-Stuy.



*My girlfriend used to love this.
**Everyone has granite countertops and hardwood floors these days.

Question of the Day

Why are overweight black women so curmudgeonly?

Have the terrorists won?

Six years ago this week, New York City was in the immediate aftermath of what might have been the biggest tragedy of all time. Buildings were destroyed, lives were ruined, etc.

This year, another tragedy has occurred, albeit on a slightly smaller scale. The famed Peter Luger's Steakhouse lost a star in the New York Times.* Is this a sign that the terrorists have won? Is New York City going to be doomed every sixth September?

The thing is, if you read reviews about Luger's on blogs such as Chowhound, Curbed (which has nothing to do with food really, but people have opinions on everything) and Zagat, the ratings are less than stellar. All of a sudden everyone is a food critic. The internet has given all of us an open forum to become as discriminating as Frasier and Niles Crane. People complain that the steak is too charred, not charred enough, overcooked, undercooked, not tender enough, too fatty,the tomatoes aren't what they used to be, the shrimp cocktail is flavorless, the ice cream is too cold and the waitstaff is surly (which everyone knows). Oh yeah - and the damn place is in Brooklyn.

If you read what the public has to say about Luger's, it shouldn't deserve any stars at all. Everybody knows where they can get a better steak with better service with better prices (that takes credit cards). But why is there still a six week wait to get into Luger's? It can't be all tourists and people that think Sizzler makes an excellent Porterhouse. I have yet to try Luger's, but I'm sure if I did, I would quite enjoy my steak and find a few little things to gripe about. And maybe I've had better steak. (Sammy's in Mendham, NJ is pretty goddamn good.)

Luger's isn't the only famed restaurant people love to criticize. People criticize everything from Per Se to Craft to Le Cirque to the River Cafe. I often wonder if these people have even visited these restaurants or perhaps they're just resentful that they can't get a reservation so they bash it. The average diner at Per Se is not necessarily going home after dinner to log into some internet forum to complain about the wine list. I think most of these people are full of shit and don't know the first thing about food or wine or restaurants.

Peter Luger's may have lost a star, but here is an excerpt from the review (from a critic with a little more credibility than DaisyDuke121) that might make you want to hit the ATM and get into a taxi to the bowels of Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

"What a steak it was. Even before I saw it I could smell it — the acrid top note of its char, the funky bottom note of properly aged beef. I could even hear it, still sizzling from its time in one of the high-temperature broilers.

It was already sliced, and the waiter buckled down to the familiar Luger ritual, putting some filet and some sirloin on each plate, then spooning the pooled juices over it. The beef had a subtle tang, an intense mineral quality, a crazy richness and a spectrum of textures: crunchy at the edges, tender at the bone. I had to keep reminding myself to take it easy, to slow down."

Maybe the terrorists haven't won after all.

*I think Nostradamus predicted this one too.

Question of the Day

Would Amy Winehouse be as popular if her name were Amy Weinstock or Amy Weinstein?