At least I'm not in an HMO...

They say you will never forget where you were when you heard about a big event (9/11, Lincoln's assassination, the Bay of Pigs Invasion, that your child is a boy...).

Today when I found out that my diagnosis of Lymphoma, (Is that a proper noun that should be capitalized?) I was driving down Ditmas Avenue between Ocean Avenue and Coney Island Avenue in Victorian Flatbush, listening to Howard Stern on Sirius 100. It happened that I was driving through one of my favorite stretches of landmarked Victorian Flatbush amid the well-preserved wood-framed Victorians. I was also listening to my favorite radio personality (and a hero of mine) Howard Stern talking about Artie being out sick today.

The news came as no surprise to me as this is what the doctors had ascertained. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the receptionist who has to call people and tell them that they have cancer. Her tone was similar to the tone that a bank representative would to tell me that I have been approved for a credit card at 8.3% interest. My reaction was pretty much the same as if she had given me a credit card approval. I just thanked her and told her to have a lovely day.

After four CT scans, lots of blood work, a biopsy and several doctor visits (more to come), I'm relieved that I know what it is for sure. However, I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of bad karma for things I have done wrong in the past. Here is a list of things that may have made God give me this disease.

• Throwing my trash in the area where the section 8 housing is.
• Making realtors show me properties that I can't afford to buy.
• Yelling at people from my window for making noise in the street.
• Correcting the grammar of said people making noise in the street.
• "Forgetting" to sign the rent check when I'm a little short.
• Sitting in the seats reserved for those with disabilities on the bus.
• Throwing away my roommate's plastic containers when I deem them unnecessary.
• Driving through "deaf child" areas and honking my horn.
• Going into the Pentecostal church and calling my girlfriend on speaker phone so she could hear the singing.
• Purposely pulling my car up to take up an extra parking space.
• Talking about religion in a fashion that may make others uncomfortable.
• Taking days off to play golf or to listen to Howard Stern.
• Driving around impoverished neighborhoods to make myself feel better about my life.
• Drinking a bottle of water at Fairway and throwing it away before I check out.
• Flashing my brights at drivers even when there is no cop in sight (just see them slow down).
• Taking very long showers because I don't pay for water.
• Telling egregious lies. ("I grew up in a small fishing village in Norway.")
• Asking stupid questions at the CVS. ("What's the largest amount you have ever seen anyone spend at this store?")
• Talking all ghetto up in dis bitch and shit sometimes, son.
• Generally being a prick.

Maybe this is God's way of telling me to tone it down a bit.